Dedicated Flunker Of Fashion

So what do you order when you're having lunch with former models? A lettuce leaf perhaps, hold the salt? A glass of ice with no water? I waited nervously for them to order first.
"I'll have the double bleu cheese burger with fries, hold the tomato," said one. (So pretentious here in Naperville. Everyone knows that should be spelt blue).
"I'll have the same, but with Gruyere and no lettuce," said the other.
I peeped under the table. They were both six foot tall, willowy, blond and beautiful.
"I know what you're up to," I said. "You're going to go home and make yourselves sick aren't you?"
Kristen gave me a withering look across the table.
"Right," she said. "Waiter! Don't forget the blue cheese crumbles."
Even as a child I never aspired to be a model, which was just as well considering how I turned out. Grumpy and I did actually do some a few years back for Weight Watchers, in that now seemingly brief moment of time when we were at our goal weights. But the older I get and the more photo shoots I seem to get involved with, the worse I feel. Of the 500 photos they took of us on our recent cruise, I could only find one of the two of us I liked, although typically Grumpy looked great in all of them. I'm at the stage in life where when I look in the mirror I don't see my mother staring back, I see Jay Leno.
So I couldn't help notice the irony when I pitched my idea to the girls, who now run Two K Productions, the company responsible for Naperville Fashion Week.
"I saw on the Today Show this morning that 41% of women here are a size 14 or above," I faltered. "I thought maybe you'd like to give me a make over and I'll write about it in my column."
The girls leapt on the idea and before I knew what was happening, they rushed me into a local clothing store.
"We'll get your hair and make up done by Georgio Spaghetti (or something like that anyhow) and we can choose clothes from here."
Clothes? Now? I have to lose 40 lbs first. (Shouldn't be too difficult, I still have two weeks before my deadline.)
Kristen looked me up and down scathingly. Now I know how those victims on What Not To Wear feel. I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Something edgy," continued Kristen. "How about this?"
She pulled out a grey jacket with ruched sleeves and a leatherette collar.
"It should be something you'd be comfortable wearing."
I'm someone who's comfortable in a fluffy dressing gown and Ugg slippers, but I'm not sure that's quite what she's looking for.
I'm seeing a worrying trend developing here. My forthcoming photoshoot for Glancer magazine shows me covered in flour. The Naper Settlement are attaching me to their press releases dressed as a witch. Maybe I should just save time and rent a clown's suit. Now there's a possible new fashion trend...