Bathing Beauty

You may note I've posted no pictures of myself here on the beach. The reasons are as follows:
1. I wouldn't want to traumatise anyone by making them see how awful I look in a swimsuit.
2. My hair explodes into a frizz ball every time I leave the room.
3. My skin in covered in red boils thanks to the mosquitos.
4. My red boils are covered in white powder thanks to calamine lotion.
5. My white powder is covered in red wheals because the calamine doesn't work.