How To Be A Tourist

Obviously this is about Jamaica, but I imagine it would work for many similar tourist destinations.

1. Make sure you pack six changes of clothing per day and 17 items of swimwear because all you will need is 1 swimsuit, a pair of sandals and one outfit for the evenings.

2. Save space in your case by not bringing suntan lotion, bug repellent or bite creams as none of them work.

3. Surprisingly enough, even if you wear a hat made of the local flag you will still look like a tourist.

4. If you go on a shopping trip organized by the hotel, you will be forced into certain shops. If you go into the one next door, it will be cheaper.

5. Wherever you go in the world, tourist shops are run by Indians.

6. If you bargain for souvenirs, remember you will always pay at least the lowest price the seller is prepared to go to.

7. If you stand around with a camera you will look a tourist.

8. If you stand around without a camera you will still look like a tourist.

9. If you speak to someone on the street they will expect a tip, no matter how friendly they seem and how little they give you. If you wear the string bracelet they give you, it will show other locals you have been caught. Not only will it give them a laugh, but it means you are fair game.

10. Leaving your resort is exciting. It means you can see the 'real' country like a 'real' traveller. It also shows you are much better off staying in your hotel....