New Year's Revolution

This year my resolution is to become the most famous Brit in Naperville. In order to further my endless quest for celebrity, I’m planning my attempt more seriously. I figure if I behave like a celeb, it won’t be long until I am one.


1.I’m going to appear on Dancing with the Stars, Dancing on Ice and Celebrity Big Brother. It won’t matter a jot that no one knows who I am because no one knows who the other contestants are either. Grumpy will appear on my behalf in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here because after years of enduring my cooking, bugs will make a delicious change.

2.I’m going to star in a soap opera. During one dramatic episode I’m going to don a fat suit when I have a nightmare about my future life, if I can find one big enough to fit me.

3.I’m going to be arrested following my unsuccessful drug overdose in a local hotel. As long as they don’t insist on sending me to hospital to have my stomach pumped, I’ll be fine. (Alas no celebrity pay check to cover the bill).

4.I’m going to secretly donate millions to my favourite charity, then let the information slip to the Press. (No celebrity pay check for that one either, but I do have Press connections).

5.I’m going to buy a chichu, chiwawa, chiqu…Pug, and keep it in my handbag.

6.I’m going to be a guest on CSI Naperville. Everyone watching will ask “what was that show she used to be on?”

7.I’m going to do the countdown at the Carillon next New Year’s Eve. The British accent will add a touch of class to the event, even though to me it’ll feel like I’m going under anaesthetic.

8.I’m going to become a Cougar, one of those older women in a relationship with a younger man. Forgot, I’m already doing that.

9.I’m going to adopt six orphan girls from Vietnam so they can grow up to run a nail parlour for me.

10.I’m going to start wearing one rubber glove when I do the washing up so at my funeral my family can do the same as a tribute.