New Year's Revolution

Happy New Year!
Thought I'd share with you today's Naperville Sun article.

Happy 2007! I know it’s 2008, but 2007 is what I’ll be writing on my checks until May.
Every new year it’s the same. January 1st you make resolutions, and by January 18th you’ve broken them all. But this year I’ve found the answer! I’ve come up with a fail safe way to keep them all, and if any of them appeal to you, feel free to try some for yourself.
This year I’m going to gain weight. If your goals are going to work, you need to be specific, so how much? Ok. This year I’m going to gain 35lbs! I probably put on 10lbs around Christmas alone, so I’m off to a head start. Like much of the world’s population I usually try to lose weight, but end up putting even more on, so this should work well.
Of course you can’t gain weight without eating badly, so resolution number two is to eat more unhealthy food. Six donuts a day, plus three chocolate bars every evening should help. Apart from that, just eating out 14 times a week in any local restaurant and eating what you normally take home in a doggy bag should do the trick.
What else will help this effort? Oh yes, exercise! This year I resolve to do less exercise. Tricky one that, since I’ve hardly done any this year. Let’s see. I could hail a cab to get me from my house to my garage. Be pushed around Jewel in a shopping cart. Give up golf and just watch it on TV (while eating a sandwich and a large bag of chips). I could go to a yoga class and just lie on the floor. Dance while sitting down. Sit on a treadmill. Lots of possibilities here.
This year I resolve to watch more TV. I’m going to start watching soap operas, and seven hour marathons of Everybody Loves Raymond a day. Come to think of it, that would help my weight gain promise, if I eat popcorn and drink non diet Coke while I watch!
This year I’m going to read less worthy literature. I’m going to start with Victoria Beckham’s That Extra Half An Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between. Then Paris Hilton’s Life on the Edge. I’m saving the best til last, however. You Can Run But You Can’t Hide by Dog the Bounty Hunter. Perhaps I’ll even suggest that one to my book group, which naturally I’m going to try to attend less often next year.
This year I’m going to drink more alcohol! I’m going to down at least a bottle of wine a day. Technically I’m only a social drinker, so I’ll have to throw more parties and go to more bars to make this work. Even if I fail at this one, I should have plenty of fun trying, and make many new friends. They’ll be difficult to stay in touch with, however, due to my next resolution.
In 2008 I’m going to try to keep in touch with my friends and family less. I’m not going to write their birthdays, anniversaries etc on my calendar and I’m never going to e mail them. I resolve to not even feel guilty about not ringing my mother back in England until August.
This year I’m going to volunteer less. If I find this difficult to keep, I’ll try to find just one really unworthy cause to support, like Feed the Obese or the Underprivileged of White Eagle. I might even start a fund to provide a bankrupt businessman with membership of a local country club.
In 2008 I’m not going to try anything new. I’m not going to join an art class, even though the life drawing class at the Naperville Cultural Centre sounds very tempting if a little chilly for the model at this time of year. I’m not going to jump out of a plane (unless it’s on fire), or learn to speak a new language. In fact I’m actively going to forget any foreign language I do know.
I’m proud to say I have never even had one puff of a cigarette. So this year, I’m going to start! January must be the best time to start because they’ll be stacks of packs left by people trying to give up. I’ll start with one a day, then hopefully move up to 80 by the end of the first week. I believe smoking can work as an appetite suppressant, so I’ll just have to make sure I’ve consumed at least 5,000 calories before my first puff of the day.