Con Census

With all the mountains of red tape we foreigners have to face in this country, I was surprised when I finally got a look at my census form last week. I couldn’t believe how simple it was – in fact it was so simple I’m not sure how much use it will actually be to anyone. Of course the census is a nationwide survey, but it got me to thinking about the kind of census we might use in Naperville in the event anyone would think it was a good idea to have a local one.

First of all the census form wouldn’t arrive in a boring old envelope. It would be hand delivered to your porch in a little paper (recyclable of course) bag with a string handle and a pink ribbon. As well as the form, which would be perfumed to help you relax as soon as you opened it, the bag would contain a cup of Starbucks and a little muffin.

The form would go something like this:

1. How many people live in your house?
2. If Person 1 has a nervous breakdown at the thought of filling in a form, Person 2

may fill it in while he is out, seal it up and throw it in the mail box when he’s out at work.

3. Yes, you may open the envelope and reseal it after realizing you have filled in your fax number instead of your phone number.
4. If Person 12 doesn’t help you fill in the form, he/she has no business living with you.
5. What race are you? The correct answer is white. If you are Asian we really don’t mind. We welcome people of color too, but being Naperville we aren’t providing a box for you to tick as this would be a waste of ink. Alaskans and Hawaiians are fine because you’re still American although the chances are you won’t be living in Naperville. If you’re Hispanic, you must move to Aurora immediately.