Today's Column....
This is the last word on our Jamaican trip. It's my column from today's Naperville Sun, which I'm posting for out of town readers. Of course if they remembered to update my webpage I wouldn't have to!
Take a look at this travel brochure with me. Look, here’s a photo of a turquoise sea lapping against a white sand beach. A handsome man lounges in a hammock, strung between two gently waving palm trees. The girls are stunning, bikini clad nymphs laughing as they run into the sea. Who is that blob in the corner? I hear you ask. It’s me, covering up what I can under a sarong, skin burnt by the sun, covered in red boils from mosquitoes, white residue from calamine lotion and tracks where I’ve scratched through because the lotion doesn’t work. My hair so frazzled it looks like I’m balancing a giant cotton candy on my head. Welcome to the real world of holidaying in Jamaica.
Only I would need a vacation from a vacation, so I picked out the only excursion I could find that didn’t involve water as I don’t swim.(Don’t even ask me to try that for a column).
“This one looks good,” I said to Grumpy. “It’s a jeep trip. It’ll give us a chance to see some of the countryside.”
The trip started off well. We bounced along the roads listening to Bob Marley, past shabby, not chic, villages, lush hillsides; the ocean twinkling in the distance.
The first stop took us to a high point with a breath-taking view of Montego Bay, the second an 18th century church built by slaves.
“This is really interesting,” I said to Grumpy, as he sprayed his legs with industrial force insect repellent.
We piled back into the jeep towards the next stop.
“Hold on tight,” called our guide from the driver’s seat. “We’re going off road. Put your heads down!”
Instantly we were in an adventure movie. We jerked violently up and down, bent double to avoid the branches above. My seat belt sliced into me like a contraction. I hadn’t had so much fun since my 14 hour labor with Orphan No 1.
Eventually we ground to a halt and I wobbled off the back of the jeep. But worse was to come.
“Follow me, we’re off to the waterfall,” said our guide. Why had I not noticed his resemblance to Indiana Jones before, I wondered?
We stumbled down a little path which appeared to lead to a 90 degree drop.
“Are you nuts?” I said to Grumpy. “I’m not going down there.”
“Just hold onto the rope, you’ll be fine. Go as slow as you like,” he said.
The others in our little group disappeared ahead of us in seconds. The slippery rock path had a rope along one side to hold on to. I held on tightly with both hands and began my descent, walking sideways down the trail. I couldn’t have held on tighter if I had been a man dangling off the side of the Empire State Building.
“How come the others have gone on so fast?” I hissed through my terror at Grumpy. “Are you sure there isn’t an elevator?”
“Just come on,” he replied, scratching his legs. “I want to cool off in the water.”
By the time I made it to the bottom the others were frolicking in the waterfall like a shampoo commercial.
“Oh there you are. Good, come on in,” said Indy.
“That’s ok,” I replied. “Somebody has to watch the bags.”
Take a look at this travel brochure with me. Look, here’s a photo of a turquoise sea lapping against a white sand beach. A handsome man lounges in a hammock, strung between two gently waving palm trees. The girls are stunning, bikini clad nymphs laughing as they run into the sea. Who is that blob in the corner? I hear you ask. It’s me, covering up what I can under a sarong, skin burnt by the sun, covered in red boils from mosquitoes, white residue from calamine lotion and tracks where I’ve scratched through because the lotion doesn’t work. My hair so frazzled it looks like I’m balancing a giant cotton candy on my head. Welcome to the real world of holidaying in Jamaica.
Only I would need a vacation from a vacation, so I picked out the only excursion I could find that didn’t involve water as I don’t swim.(Don’t even ask me to try that for a column).
“This one looks good,” I said to Grumpy. “It’s a jeep trip. It’ll give us a chance to see some of the countryside.”
The trip started off well. We bounced along the roads listening to Bob Marley, past shabby, not chic, villages, lush hillsides; the ocean twinkling in the distance.
The first stop took us to a high point with a breath-taking view of Montego Bay, the second an 18th century church built by slaves.
“This is really interesting,” I said to Grumpy, as he sprayed his legs with industrial force insect repellent.
We piled back into the jeep towards the next stop.
“Hold on tight,” called our guide from the driver’s seat. “We’re going off road. Put your heads down!”
Instantly we were in an adventure movie. We jerked violently up and down, bent double to avoid the branches above. My seat belt sliced into me like a contraction. I hadn’t had so much fun since my 14 hour labor with Orphan No 1.
Eventually we ground to a halt and I wobbled off the back of the jeep. But worse was to come.
“Follow me, we’re off to the waterfall,” said our guide. Why had I not noticed his resemblance to Indiana Jones before, I wondered?
We stumbled down a little path which appeared to lead to a 90 degree drop.
“Are you nuts?” I said to Grumpy. “I’m not going down there.”
“Just hold onto the rope, you’ll be fine. Go as slow as you like,” he said.
The others in our little group disappeared ahead of us in seconds. The slippery rock path had a rope along one side to hold on to. I held on tightly with both hands and began my descent, walking sideways down the trail. I couldn’t have held on tighter if I had been a man dangling off the side of the Empire State Building.
“How come the others have gone on so fast?” I hissed through my terror at Grumpy. “Are you sure there isn’t an elevator?”
“Just come on,” he replied, scratching his legs. “I want to cool off in the water.”
By the time I made it to the bottom the others were frolicking in the waterfall like a shampoo commercial.
“Oh there you are. Good, come on in,” said Indy.
“That’s ok,” I replied. “Somebody has to watch the bags.”
posted by Hilary at
11:46 AM
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