First Anniversary Column: The Untold Story

Fortunately most people seem to not only get, but also love the British sense of humour out here. Unfortunately the only people who don't always understand it are those at the paper who publish my column.
Last week I put a lot of work into what I thought was a very clever idea. As a first anniversary column, I did a 'clip show', running together highlights of some old columns. I did so in a way that they were obviously different stories, but still made sense in a humorous way.
I was horrified this morning when I found they had published it, but thoughtfully put little decorations under each story, making them look like separate items. So now it just looks like a collection of old columns, which was not what I wanted at all. Just goes to show you can be too clever for your own good....

This week marks the first anniversary of my Sun column, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t allow the event to go unmarked. I’ve spent ages wondering what to write about, then it came to me, I’ll do what they do on TV. Fall back on some old favorites to stop me having to come up with something original! So here is a ‘clip show’ featuring highlights of the past year…
I’ve never been one of those people who drive for fun, only out of necessity. If I won the lottery I wouldn’t care which car I owned, as long as it came with a chauffeur. Although I have been driving in the U.K. for more than 30 years, I felt as frightened as a freshman at the thought of driving in the U.S. I was told children here can hold a provisional licence at 15, and take their test on their 16th birthday if they wish. So I wondered, “How hard it could be?”
"Don't worry, you won't have to wear a moose costume. You're the ventriloquist," she said.
“I’ll come and stand next to you,” whispered Serendipity, serenely floating in through the door.
I smiled faintly. The sweat was already dripping into my eyes and we hadn’t even started yet.
Anyhow, the music began and Marie started jiggling. The other students started jiggling. I started giggling.
I should have realised that Venus would be a natural.
“Well, you do normally pick activities that you think you’ll be good at,” she said. “I used to go to ballet.”
She might have told me before. There she was leaping around like a regular Turkish delight, while I was a bowl of Jell-O.
“You know I’d be happy to teach here myself,” I heard that pushy woman in my head saying again.
The dance was easy with Spike to guide me. The real reason I didn't wear delicate shoes was that I needed all the protection I could get from Grumpy's leathal weapons - his feet. What a nightmare. I searched the racks for pumps and low heels, but somehow nothing would do. Then I heard them, well just the one actually, calling to me. It was elegant and showy and shone out from the rest. As I slipped my foot in, I was pleasantly surprised. I wouldn’t exactly call the shoe comfortable, but at least my toes didn’t go into spasm as I tried to cram them in.
“Will you stop messing a..bou…ttttt…” said Grumpy, promptly losing his footing and falling down on top of me.
“Just leave me here and take care of yourself,” I called bravely as he struggled up. “I’ll be ok.”
Never one to pass up on a bargain, Grumpy was thrilled when he found two decorative arbors on sale at a bargain price.
“I thought you’d like them. They remind me of you – contemporary and cool,” he said, flashing that shy little boy smile from under his long dark eyelashes.
They could have been empty paint cans for all I cared.
But for now I have to stop. The stewardess is approaching with a plastic tray of doll sized portions of chicken or beef. If it’s 8.30 a.m. it must be dinner time.