Next Year's Resolutions

Next year I'm going to try even harder to assimilate into American society. Here's a sneak peak at my plans:

1. I'm going to have an affair with Tiger Woods; after all, everyone else has.
2. I'm going open a cake mix, throw an egg into the box and say I made it myself.
3. I'm going to gift wrap absolutely everything, even my credit card when I use it to pay for a restaurant meal.
4. I'm going to take part in a reality show - The Real Housewives of Du Page County.
5. I'm going to take all my restaurant left overs home with me in a foil box, even if it's only the rind off a piece of cheese or a slither of fat from a steak.
6. I'm going to represent Rod Blagojevich in his court hearing.
7. When anyone in a store tells me to have a nice day, I'll make sure I do.
8. I'm going to run a pipeline from Pottery Barn into my house so it smells just as nice.
9. I'm going to make sure I have an opinion about everything, especially things I know nothing about.
10. I'm going to learn the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem off by heart.