Poker For Dummies

How to play poker:

1. Prepare enough appetizers for 12 people who haven't eaten for a week. Welcome three guests who just ate dinner.
2. Pour wine, open beer.
3. Sit at table, being very careful not to scratch it because it is new.
4. Wipe up beer and wine spills.
5. Take two packs of cards, shuffle and bang on table, remembering to be careful. Pleeease.
6. Distribute chips.
7. Distribute salsa.
8. It is easy to see who the dealer is. He has a button with the word 'dealer', although to be fair even the stupidest person would realise because he is the one dealing the cards.
9. The dealer deals two cards to each person. They look at their cards and throw in some chips. Then they look at each other and throw in some more.
10. The dealer deals three open cards. The players comment knowledgeably, like a surgeon preparing for a big operation.
11. Someone taps the table and says "check". No idea why. Probably commenting on the quality of the new table.
12. Someone else says "I'll raise you." Don't know why this is necessary. All the chairs are quite high enough, thank you.
13. Drink more beer.
14. Someone says "fold". Don't know what this means either, but it doesn't mean you need to fetch napkins. Sorry.
15. In turn players say things like flop, river, straight and flush. Don't know what this means either, but luckily it doesn't spoil the table top.
16. Drink more beer and scrape salsa off the floor.
17. Someone says "I'm out", but they still continue playing.
18. All the chips in the middle of the table are pushed to one player.
Player's Tip: most poker tables are felt for a reason. Don't get a shiny one. Everything slides off, but it is handy should you want to play air hockey.
19. After 4 hours some players find they lose the will to live. The person who loses all their chips first is the winner, because they get to go home.