Nice Work If You Can Get It

Ok, I admit it. I need a job! After months of waiting to hear from publishers, producers and the like, I realise I need to be a bit more proactive. (Although of course if any are reading this, feel free to call).
Of course I don't need a real job. I don't want to be head of a corporation or a brain surgeon, although anything is possible if you want to volunteer. For now I need something part time to provide me with material for my real job as columnist to the Naperville Sun. (A job which is giving me some status in the community, but alas less income than girl scouts make selling cookies, and nowhere to go on a daily basis).
I began my search today by looking on the web under the usefully titled website Jobs in Naperville.
Hmm. Let me see. Part time. Ok, that's good. What have we got?
Oh this looks good. You need to be female. Ok so far. Wow. The pay is good. $18,000 +. That's not bad and apparently it's for only nine months work. Hang on. It's for surrogate mothers. Honestly. Hmm.. think the ship has sailed on that opportunity.
Van driver? Probably not for me, although I could provide my own van now Ross has bought the world's funniest car according to his colleagues. Of course if they only needed deliveries to downtown Naperville it might be ok. Maybe not.
Ah, now this is one Ross would support. Cocktail server at the Hollywood Casino! True, it needs one year cocktail experience, but it doesn't say you actually have had to have been making them. I've a lifetime's experience in drinking them. Of course I wouldn't want to drive all the way to Aurora, but I'm sure Ross wouldn't mind taking me. I daresay he could find something to amuse himself with while I was working. I make a note of that one.
What else? Now this is something I have plenty of experience in. Help is needed in helping passengers through the airport. They need part time bilingual help to support foreign speaking travellers negotiate ticketing, directions etc at O'Hare. Not surprised. I could do with help in that myself. Hey, I speak two languages. American and English. Wonder if that's good enough?
How about a sales rep for a lawn care company? It's called Weed Man. Do they sell the weeds they pull up then? Or maybe they mean another kind?
They need a security guard at the Water Tower in downtown Chicago I see. I could stand outside all day in a smart uniform. Oh no, it's right next to the Cheesecake Factory, far too much temptation, although I imagine I would be more successful in this job if I bulked up even more.
Oh, now this is exciting. They need a seasonal zoo keeper at Brookfield Zoo! I had three cats before I came to the U.S. I could embellish that a little at the interview. Hang on, thinking about that story about the escaping killer tiger at San Francisco Zoo, this could be a bit dangerous. Still, it would give me the chance to put lion tamer on my resume. That would be pretty cool. Maybe I'll forget the job and put it on anyway.
They need a lifeguard at a local swimming pool. Do you think it would be a problem that I can't swim? I've never seen one rescue anybody. I could just sit on one of those high chairs at the side of the pool. Not sure about the uniform though. Don't think it pays enough for me to parade myself in a swimsuit.
Ooh. Here's one. A bank needs someone to collect all the stuff people put in ATMs and put it on a database. Funny that. I always assumed there was a little woman sitting inside. How else would she be able to talk to you? Maybe that's what they mean. Actually I hate ATMs. Half the time they won't accept the card and the buttons never seem to be correctly lined up with the instructions.
On second thoughts, instead of looking for a job, I'll advertise myself. Let's see..how about middle-aged English woman seeks part time work. Can throw parties, drink cocktails, talk in a posh English accent. Can bake meat pies, but wouldn't make you eat them. Exuberant after and during dinner speaker (especially if wine supplied). Own car, but not willing to drive it. Computer literate (with lots of help from husband), and can play both parts of Heart and Soul on the piano, not necessarily at the same time. Gifted writer, pathological liar.