The Column They Banned...

The following should have appeared in next week's Naperville Sun, but it the powers that be didn't think it was suitable.
Feel free to let me know what you think...

It all started when Grumpy and I went into the adult store Lover’s Lane, W. Ogden, to buy a whip. Before you jump to any conclusions, let me explain. We needed one as a prop for the show I am directing at the local synagogue, and since Halloween has long gone, it was the only place I could think of that would have one.
I’m not sure the assistant believed me, because she said: “Why don’t you also take at look at these kits we have? They’re our most popular line.”
“Oh no,” I said hastily. “I really am only buying this as a prop, we don’t want anything else.”
“We could take a look,” said Grumpy. He was unusually accommodating, but this could have been because the assistant was a 20-year-old beauty with long blond hair.
Mary started explaining the contents of the kit as if she were selling cosmetics in Macy’s. There was massage oil, some powder and creams. I listened politely, but knew the cost would probably be prohibitive, especially as far as Grumpy was concerned.
“This kit would be $59.95,” she chirruped.
“For a few creams and a bit of powder? That’s a bit steep,” I said, making for the door.
“But we have a sale on at the moment, so it will only be $51.56.”
“Ok, we’ll take one,” said Grumpy, reaching for his wallet.
“What??”
The man who can turn buying a stamp into a military campaign was happy to spend over $50 on a box of lotions and potions. I couldn’t believe it.
Mary assured me that many of their customers fall into the over 50 age bracket. In fact some couples are apparently recommended by their doctors. So for the purposes of this column only, you understand, and not wishing to waste $50, I thought we might as well take a little peak inside the box later that evening.
We darkened the lights in the bedroom, and pulled out a piece of paper from inside the box.
One disadvantage of being over 50 is slightly failing eyesight, so I then had to get out of bed, put the light back on and put on my glasses which I usually wear with a cord around my neck. So romantic.
“Ok,” I said to Grumpy. “We could start with the massage oil. It says for a hot oil deep tissue massage, all you have to do is remove the cap and put it in the microwave for 20 seconds.”
The thought of having to get out of bed again, go downstairs to the microwave then climb back upstairs with a bottle of hot oil in my hands frankly seemed too much bother, so we left that one.
“What’s this for?” said Grumpy, plunging his hand into the box. He pulled out a small bunch of brown feathers, which looked like a cross between a shuttlecock and something a cat had just killed.
“Dunno.” I said. “But look at those cobwebs on the ceiling. If the handle was longer it would make a great feather duster.”
Next was a black pouch filled with powder. It felt like all purpose flour, sprinkled with little bits of grit.
“Hmm, this is honey dust apparently,” I said, not convinced. “It’s meant to make your skin feel soft, whilst tasting sweet at the same time.”
I rubbed a bit on the back of my hand. It made me sneeze. Grumpy switched on the TV.
“How about this one then,” I said. “It’s called Oil of Love. It says here it’s a yummy warming oil that has an original taste of sugar cookies.”
“Well, I suppose you could give that one a try then,” said Grumpy, selflessly turning off the TV and the light so I could begin.
I rubbed a little into his shoulder.
“This isn’t doing much for me,” he said.
“Me neither,” I agreed. “But I do have a craving for a slice of cake.”
“Let’s try just one more,” I continued, reaching out in the dark for a bottle. I picked it up and sprayed it onto Grumpy’s face.
“Ow,” he yelled. “What on earth’s that?”
I switched the light on to see I had inadvertently picked up a bottle of throat spray that had been sitting there since I had had a cold the week before.
Grumpy rolled over in a huff and that was the end of that.
Still, the box wasn’t entirely wasted. I now keep most of the ingredients in the kitchen, and my sugar cookies are the talk of the town.