How To Prepare For Public Speaking

I'm writing this while waiting to leave to give my first public appearance. I'm due to speak this lunchtime to Naperville Noon Rotarians. It seemed a good idea when I agreed to do it, now I'm wandering who I feel more sorry for..myself for having to speak for half an hour about me to 120 freshly fed folks immediately after lunch, or for them for having to listen. Hope they snore quietly....

1. Spend six weeks carefully writing a presentation that when completed looks like you wrote it while waiting for the bus.

2. Toss and turn the previous night so by the time you get up the bags under your eyes have bags.

3. Receive one angst ridden phone call from daughter in England who complains "you only ever want to talk about you."

4. Find you have no bra straps that your new dress will cover.

5. Find the bright summer dress you bought two months ago especially for the occasion will now look silly because its raining.

6. Find the bright summer dress you bought two months ago especially for the occasion makes you look like a giant under ripe watermelon.

7. Think you should drink gallons of water to prevent your mouth drying up even more, but realise if you do that you'll need to deliver your speech from the bathroom.

8. Try to calm your nerves by practising Amazing Grace on the piano. Unfortunately this highlights two more problems. 1. It makes you feel you are about to attend a funeral. 2. You realise as well as not being funny, you can't play the piano either.