Moosekateer

Every day I check my e mails in the hope that some major newspaper wants to syndicate my column or a studio wants a film script. No luck so far, but I was heartened this morning to receive one from the Naper Settlement. Following my success as third witch over Halloween (I've only just scraped the last of the green paint off behing my ears) they wanted to offer me a new role.
They are having a children's event next week and needed a friendly greeter. There was some mention of a moose, but I didn't take much notice of that. I quickly rang Pat to accept.
"I am free that day," I said. (In fact I'm free virtually every day still be more or less unemployed but she doesn't need to know that).
"Oh good," she said. "We can supply the jokes, it'll be fun. We need someone with personality. It'll be great."
Jokes?
"Don't worry, you won't have to wear a moose costume. You're the ventriloquist."
Whaat?
"Er, I have worked with kids, but I'm not a ventriloquist," I said, panicking as to what I had agreed to do.
"It's ok. You don't have to do it properly. Just work the moose and talk to it. Hang on it's here, I'll just measure it for you....It's about 12". For a minute I thought she was going to get me to talk to him on the phone.
Now don't get me wrong. I like moose as much as the next person, but preferably chocolate.
"But I don't think moose speak with English accents," I said. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
"Doesn't matter. Just any moose voice will do."
Oh, that's ok then! What is that woman on?
Anyhow, I'm going in to meet with her tomorrow. Obviously I'm not going to take the part, it's far too embarrassing even for me...but I might just practise a little in case.