Taxation Vexation

What's the hot topic in America at the moment? The election? Britney Spears' latest crisis? Well yes, to a point, but the head of the average American is filled with just one thing. Tax!
In the U.S. you have to file your tax return by April 15th. Heaven knows I don't understand how it works in England, so getting to grips with it here is certainly proving interesting.
Last night we decided to seek some expert clarification, so went along to a well known company of financial advisors to get some help.
We were greeted by a slight red-haired Russian man, who somewhat disconcertingly bore a striking resemblance to late night chat show host Conan O'Brien.
"I ken chelp you," he said, rummaging under the desk. "I ken yooz zees charts to chelp me."
By the time Ross had finished explaining we had spent three months of the last year in England and nine months here, he started to look a little confused. But he bravely continued explaining what we needed to find in order for him to continue.
"You vill need to fill out an I88, 36d and a WD40," he scribbled down for us on a scrap of pink paper.
(Obviously he didn't exactly say that, but it was definitely on pink paper. I have it as proof.)
He then rattled off a long complicated list of what we have to pay tax on (obviously everything) and what is tax deductible (the most precious words in the American vocabulary).
I thought we were getting to grips with it until Ross mentioned that I was working. (See, it is a job so stop nagging.)
Ivan looked even more perplexed. "Oh, zo you are vorking too. You vill need to clem as a self-employed pearson."
I laughed as I told him how little I earned. I think I saw a tear in Ross's eye. Not sure it was laughter.
"It eez qvite exceptable(sic) for self-employed pearsons to make a loss in zhere fearst year," he said sternly. "You ken clem expenses. Do you trevel for work? Make phone calls?"
"Well, I did go shopping in Chicago one day and then write about it for my column," I said.
Ivan looked less than impressed.
"It was the best thing I've ever written." I added lamely.
So now I have to be the more creative than I've ever been, working out how much I spent on what and when. If that wasn't enough, I have to find every receipt we've been given since last April and get it into some kind of order before our next meeting.
In England I kept everything carefully documented under a pile of junk in the garage, behind the washing machine, at the bottom of the cat litter tray and any other space I could find.
Since we don't have cats here, I have had to resort to buying a filing cabinet which should make the task a little easier. Hmm, wonder if that's tax deductible?