The Lost Symbol: In Which An Old Naperville Secret Is Revealled

Professor Hilary Langdon and her noble assistant Grumpy ran as fast as they could along the corridor.
"Where are we going?" asked Grumpy breathlessly.
"No idea, but we haven't run anywhere for a few minutes and it just seemed the right thing to do," Professor Langdon replied.
"Well I think we'd better stop now," said Grumpy. "We're on the roof of the Civic Offices and if we run anymore we'll fall over the edge."
"Good point," said the Professor. "Actually, I realize what our next step should be."
Rummaging in her pocket book, she pulled out a crumpled one dollar bill. Smoothing the back she saw the familiar symbol. An eye atop a triangle. Without faltering she folded the bill over and over.
"There! I have the answer," she told Grumpy.
"You do?" he said. "All you've done is make an origami swan."
"Yes, but if I unfold it like this, the lines make up a grid. Don't you see? Here, give me your laser. The one you use to make sure the lines are straight when you hang up a picture."
Grudgingly Grumpy handed it over. It was his favourite gadget, even though he'd never hung a picture straight in his life.
Professor Langdon pointed the laser out into the distance. A red beam of light leapt from building to building. It pointed the way from the top of the council offices to the bell at the top of the Moser Tower, down to the roof of Edward Hospital, back to pinnacle of St Peter and Paul Church.
"Wow. What does it mean?" asked Grumpy.
"It proves what I've always believed," replied the Professor. "That Naperville does indeed have a secret Red Light District."

If They Had A Hammer

"Right a bit, right a bit more. Ow!"
We were at the synagogue this morning helping out with the annual sukkah building. For more info try clicking here, or if that doesn't work, just Google it. What do think I'm here to do? Educate?
www.holidays.net/sukkot/sukkah.htm
"Not sure we want you here, I've seen the video," said Bernie to Grumpy, referring to his old TV appearance.
"We need a saw," said Greg. "You can't do this without a saw."
"It's looking good."
"Not from this angle it doesn't."
"Is it too late to call Ty Pennington?"
So how many men does it take to put up a sukkah? One to hold a hammer and 10 to stand around telling him what to do. Plus another ready to call a lawyer. In times of crisis, Jews will always call a lawyer before a doctor.
"You know what happened to the first Jewish carpenter," warned someone.
If white men can't jump, then Jewish men can't build. What's the use of banding together for a bit of team building when all your congregants are professionals? I bet Poles and Mexicans would be able to build a great sukkah.
Anyhow, three hours later and a week early it was done. We don't actually need it until Friday night, to commemorate the festival of Sukkot or Tabernacles.
Tonight sees the start of our holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur, when we fast and spend all day praying for forgiveness. Let's all hope we'll be forgiven if the sukkah blows down before we need it!

The Lost Symbol: In Which We're Finally Introduced To Another Character In Case We're Not Confused Enough Already

Professor Hilary Langdon felt the walls closing in on her. It was as if they were being pushed by a giant cliche. She was in a dark confined space. She couldn't breathe. Suddenly she heard a banging noise.
"Oy, are you done in there yet? We've got work to do." It was her noble assistant Grumpy.
"Sorry, I always get like this when I get nervous," she replied, flushing the toilet.
Once more she was in the dark granite atrium. Then suddenly she knew the answer.
"We don't have to use the elevators or the ropes," she said. "I know its extreme, but we could climb up those stone blocks in the center there. It might take some time, but I bet we could do it. Are you with me Grumpy?"
Grumpy shrugged.
"You mean the stairs?" he said, rolling his eyes.
In no time the pair were at the top of the building. They ran this way and that, that way and this, only stopping to change direction until they finally bumped into each other.
"There you are Grumpy," said Professor Langdon. "I thought I'd lost you forever."
Suddenly they realized they were not alone. Footsteps echoed around the building. Quiet first, then louder and louder. Then he came into view. At first he was just a shadow. Then a terrifying outline emerged. Stout at the bottom, but with a head so tall and angular it wouldn't have been out of place on the Century Artwalk. In a blink the room was flooded with a white blinding light.
Professor Langdon instantly recognized her advisory.
"Mayor Pradel!" She screamed.
"Mayor Pradel holding a foot high stack of city council files," Grumpy explained for the sake of the readers.
"How did you find us?" Professor Langdon said, panicking.
"It was easy," replied the Mayor calmly. "You left a trail of toilet paper on your shoe."

Dedicated Flunker Of Fashion

So what do you order when you're having lunch with former models? A lettuce leaf perhaps, hold the salt? A glass of ice with no water? I waited nervously for them to order first.
"I'll have the double bleu cheese burger with fries, hold the tomato," said one. (So pretentious here in Naperville. Everyone knows that should be spelt blue).
"I'll have the same, but with Gruyere and no lettuce," said the other.
I peeped under the table. They were both six foot tall, willowy, blond and beautiful.
"I know what you're up to," I said. "You're going to go home and make yourselves sick aren't you?"
Kristen gave me a withering look across the table.
"Right," she said. "Waiter! Don't forget the blue cheese crumbles."
Even as a child I never aspired to be a model, which was just as well considering how I turned out. Grumpy and I did actually do some a few years back for Weight Watchers, in that now seemingly brief moment of time when we were at our goal weights. But the older I get and the more photo shoots I seem to get involved with, the worse I feel. Of the 500 photos they took of us on our recent cruise, I could only find one of the two of us I liked, although typically Grumpy looked great in all of them. I'm at the stage in life where when I look in the mirror I don't see my mother staring back, I see Jay Leno.
So I couldn't help notice the irony when I pitched my idea to the girls, who now run Two K Productions, the company responsible for Naperville Fashion Week.
"I saw on the Today Show this morning that 41% of women here are a size 14 or above," I faltered. "I thought maybe you'd like to give me a make over and I'll write about it in my column."
The girls leapt on the idea and before I knew what was happening, they rushed me into a local clothing store.
"We'll get your hair and make up done by Georgio Spaghetti (or something like that anyhow) and we can choose clothes from here."
Clothes? Now? I have to lose 40 lbs first. (Shouldn't be too difficult, I still have two weeks before my deadline.)
Kristen looked me up and down scathingly. Now I know how those victims on What Not To Wear feel. I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Something edgy," continued Kristen. "How about this?"
She pulled out a grey jacket with ruched sleeves and a leatherette collar.
"It should be something you'd be comfortable wearing."
I'm someone who's comfortable in a fluffy dressing gown and Ugg slippers, but I'm not sure that's quite what she's looking for.
I'm seeing a worrying trend developing here. My forthcoming photoshoot for Glancer magazine shows me covered in flour. The Naper Settlement are attaching me to their press releases dressed as a witch. Maybe I should just save time and rent a clown's suit. Now there's a possible new fashion trend...

The Lost Symbol: In Which A Naperville Blogger Cannot Think Of A Clause To End This Title

"AAagghh!" The noise was deafening. Again and again it beat in Professor Hilary Langdon's head.
She covered her ears.
"I can't stand it! What kind of torture is this?" she asked her noble assistant Grumpy.
"mm mmm mmm bb mm bbb nnn mmm," he answered, strangely calm.
"What?"
He pulled Professor Langdon's hands away from her ears.
"It's just the Carillon on Rotary Hill," he said. "It's 11 p.m."
Professor Langdon, her body greatly toned from her daily swim at Centennial Beach, continued on her perilous journey. Using a little blue card she was able to gain entry into the empty building.
"Quick, follow me," she whispered to Grumpy.
"Wow, that was quick. How did you do that?" he said.
"Just my Naperville library card," she replied. "And it will only cost us a dollar if we use this to go to the Ogden 6 cinema after all this is over."
Professor Langdon stopped to assess the situation. They were in the lobby of a granite lined building. She knew they had to go upstairs to the third floor, but the only way up was by elevator. Since falling down a well as a child, Langdon had suffered from claustrophobia. It was so bad she'd had to have a skylight installed above her bed so she could sleep at night. It was either use the elevator or scale up the inside of the building using a complicated system of ropes and pulleys. What should she do? The chapters shrank around her. Her head swum. She started to think in really short sentences. Really short. Short.
To be continued

The Lost Symbol Episode One, in which a Naperville blogger pays homage to Dan Brown's latest book

The towering fountains stood before her, a bewitching portal to what lay beyond. Many tourists had stood on this spot without realizing its mystical significance. That just behind was a glittering gateway to Naperville – the offices of the City Council.
Professor Hilary Langdon stopped to draw breath. She’d been running along the downtown streets in the rain for the past two days. Now darkness was falling she’d finally made it to the outer inner sanctum.
“Hey, wait for me!” She heard footsteps behind her. It was her noble assistant Grumpy – a tall good looking man with the mind of a nuclear physicist and the body of a Chippendale. He put them both down on the step before he spoke again.
“Are you sure this is the place?” he breathed, dodging a passing bullet.
“According to the ancient key it is,” she said.
She held up the strange black box she’d found at the bottom of a basket at the back of an electrical store several years before. The box had strange coloured symbols on one side.
“I told you, it’s just an old GPS,” hissed Grumpy, flicking back his long dark hair.
Although the door to the building was open, Langdon and her noble assistant hid in some nearby bushes for three hours until it was closed before trying to enter.
“I know there’s a secret door here somewhere,” said Langdon, wiping the sweat off her brow. These hot flashes were getting to be a real pain.
“Look!”
Beneath a paving stone, beneath a column, beneath a window, beneath a gargoyle of a hideous winged creature, Grumpy saw a glint of light.
“I’m not going down there,” he said. “I’ll get my shoes dirty.”
“I’ve told you already you should take your shoes off,” Langdon replied. “None of my assistants ever wear them.”
But just as the pair (of people, not shoes) were about to gain entry, they were stopped in their tracks by a terrifying noise. A noise so horrible it could only be mean one thing…….
(to be continued)

Happy 5770

Happy New Year! It's ok, I haven't gone crazy, but in the Jewish world the new year started yesterday. Back in England Rosh Hashana was pretty much the same every year. I'd be dragged along to synagogue against my will as a child, then as an adult would do the same thing to my children. Things are different here in Naperville. When you go to synagogue every week, the new year is really special because its different. If you only go three times a year for high holy days, it's always the same. The main reason for the difference is the place is packed, we have a wonderful choir and there's an air of excitement as we all reconnect.
This year I noticed several firsts I have never experienced on any of my previous new year's.
1. We left the house to see a raccoon sitting on our front lawn.
2. A neighbour stopped to wish us a Happy Ramadan.
3. A stranger jogged past us during our walk to the synagogue (some habits die hard and we just don't like to drive, even though everyone else does apart from the rabbi). He stopped to tell us we were the most smartly dressed people he had seen that morning.
4. Grumpy and I opened the service with our humorous version of the regular weekly announcements in our roles as membership VPs of the synagogue.
5. I got lipstick on my cheek after the cantor kissed me.
6. The rabbi, who has recently moved into his first house in Naperville, told us all about the party his neighbours were having outside his home as he celebrated Rosh Hashana. A pig roast.
7. I spent the afternoon of the second day watching a DVD of a children's Christmas show, in preparation of a new project Mrs Hammerstein and I are beginning.

When Health Care Can Make You Sick

Remember my little trip to the ER the other week when I fainted due to dehydration? The attention I received from the hospital was great, no denying that, but today I received the bill which nearly made me faint again. Although like everyone else in this country who can afford it we have excellent health insurance, I still have to pay just over $700. I could joke about how the ambulance proved to be the world's most expensive taxi ride, but for once I'm struggling to see the funny side.
The hot topic in this country at the moment is health care reform. It's a complicated issue. Some Americans who don't know any better think the British National Health Service is the way to go. Not sure they would be happy to be on a list for months waiting for necessary but non emergency surgery. Others are completely against it. They're concerned that the system will be abused by immigrants getting health care for free when they've paid nothing in.
My concern is for the millions of people stuck in the middle like me. Fortunately we have health care, but can we afford unexpected bills of hundreds of dollars? No we can't. Personally I would have preferred to have laid on the floor of the restaurant and waited until I had come round, but I didn't have any say in the matter. Supposing I was in a car accident and woke up from a six month long coma to be hit with a million dollar bill? What happens to the elderly who need dementia care? Do they have to use all their savings and then revert to Medicare?
In the Naperville area, I meet many people who are calling out for reform. Even if they can afford treatment, they appreciate that not everyone can. Similarly some believe that its too risky to change things in case of abuse. To me, that's ridiculous. It's like saying I'd never buy a car because someone might steal it.
As regular readers will know, I love living in this country and 99% of everything in it. I don't have the answer to the problem, and can't even begin to imagine how the Government will ever be able to make even small improvements. But I do know that something needs to be done.

Twenty Eight Years Later

Click on above picture to enlarge. No need to do so on this pic, we're large enough already!

Grumpy and my American Dream started back in 1981 when we first travelled to the US on our honeymoon. We stayed with an old flame of my mother's, a Canadian GI who looked her up on a visit to London as we were preparing to get married. Grumpy thought he'd done a great thing by booking us a hotel on Sunset Strip, until Hy told us it was in the middle of the red light district and we should stay with him instead since he lived in LA.
A couple of days before the wedding, we had a call to say we wouldn't be able to stay with him after all. His son had been killed and obviously having house guests was the last thing on his mind.
Since the flights were booked, we flew out anyway, with the idea of going back to our original idea of staying in a hotel. Imagine our surprise when Hy was there at the airport to meet us. He insisted we stay with him and we ended up having a marvellous trip.
Hy had two other children, Mel and Nadine. Nadine was also recently married, and we had a great time as she showed us around. We still have a glass match pot she bought us as a wedding present from Disneyland, even though we had to pull all the matches out of the matchbooks before shipping it back to the US from England.
In those days before Internet, it wasn't as easy to stay in touch. Grumpy met up with her again on a business trip a couple of years later. We knew Nadine survived but lost her home in the Northridge earthquake, and we lost contact.
I had tried on and off to locate her over the years, but to no avail. Finally I found one of her daughter's on Facebook and discovered she was divorced and living with her new man just outside Seattle.
So finally, after nearly 29 years, we ended our vacation by meeting Nadine again at our hotel. The years have taken their toll on both of us. I suspect we were both a little relieved to see how we'd each 'blossomed' over the years. Several times she told Grumpy how he hadn't changed a bit. We obviously had. But in a year of reacquainting with old friends and family, none could be sweeter than finding the girl who started our American dream.

Underground Movement

I can definitely say we've seen Seattle from top to bottom. Having been to the top of the Space Needle, we decided to plunge the depths and go on the city's popular underground tour. It takes you through some old basements and tunnels under the buildings and sidewalks.

Nothing so unusual about this glass cover in the street....

But how often can you photo what's underneath?

Part of the tour features the remnants of the Northern Hotel.

This would be the perfect spot for a Halloween party.

Wake Up And The Smell The Coffee

Travel anywhere in the US these days and you'll find a Starbucks on every corner. But this is a very special one. It's actually the very first Starbucks coffee house on the planet, right here in Pike Place Market, Seattle. No its not. Everyone thinks it is, but turns out to be the second. The first was pulled down and is now a furniture store! Anyhow, for tourist information only, let's just say this is the first.

Oo. It's just a like real Starbucks, but older.

"Do you really want me to write Grumpy on this cup? You know you can mugs like that in the Disney store if you really want one."

A map showing every Starbucks territory in the world. Watch out for Mars and Venus soon.

Could have been my imagination, but I do think this was the best Mocha Frappachino I have ever tasted.

Market Research

We've been fortunate to visit markets all around the world, but probably the best of all is Pike Place Market in Seattle. They have an eclectic mix of incredibly fresh and cheap flowers, fish just out of the sea, arts and crafts and great food. Here's a glimpse...

Bird's Eye View

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this is the Seattle Space Needle. It was built in 1962.
It gives you a great view over the city.

Here's the money shot. This guy was actually inspecting the building on the outside. Apparently he does it once a month. Hope he gets paid triple in the winter!

Visions of Victoria

Our final stop before returning to Seattle was Victoria, British Columbia. The locals seemed very friendly, if a bit behind the times....

There are still strong ties to the old country. Here's one of three buses all arriving together!

You could almost be in a Cornish village...

Ever helpful, the locals have cracked the problem of tourists standing on street corners opening up their maps...

We even found some English flowers. My favourite, a beautiful white rose.

No sails in the sunset.

The Parliament building looked suspiciously like Harrods.

At the end of the evening, we set sail back to Seattle. Or was it Juneau? Not quite sure, but I know it was the end of the cruise.

All At Sea

Thought you'd like a tour of our ship, the Star Princess.

Here's the beautiful atrium at the center of the ship. Here you can shop, listen to some great live music, enjoy some street entertainers, eat, shop, drink, eat and eat some more.

Or you can go on deck for some fresh sea air. What's that blue in the sky? Could it be the sun? Surely not?

Someone has to make the food. You can tour the ship's kitchen to watch other people working while you don't have to. This cook is stamping out sponges for desserts.

You can even play a round of mini golf!

Here I am getting one straight down the plug hole (click to enlarge).

Ahoy there Captain Grumpy

You can watch movies on deck (when it's not raining)

Or just admire the view.

Back On Board

Day 47 Back to Skagway. Hope you're keeping up here. Just taking a little time out of our wonderful visit to Seattle to get back on board with some updates. So this was Skagway, the gold mining town where we saw the historical musical. Not quite so pretty in the deluging rain, but if you want blue skies you'll have to photoshop it yourselves.

Another thing we didn't do because of the low clouds, but you can take a cable car up the mountains.

An original Eagle Lodge building. The miners were a fraternal lot. The front of this building was covered with sticks.

When the miners weren't working, they relaxed in places like this... which begs the question...

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Sleeping In Seattle

I know how this man feels! Arrived safe and sound in Seattle today. After the rain of Alaska, it was lovely to see some sun at last! Finally we have easy access free internet and there's so much to do I don't want to use it!
Anyhow, this is a quick catch up. Promise I'll do a proper retrospective on our return on Tuesday.

Frozen North

Can you tell what it is? This is actually Mendenhall Glacier.

And here's a close up view.

9/11: Sailing On

When the horrors of 9/11 unfolded we were living in England. I remember I was preparing for one of my Weight Watchers meetings, as a leader, not the failing member I am now. I had a couple of American members and we all commiserated with them.
This anniversary we're on a cruise ship currently heading towards Victoria, Canada. At 12 noon everything stopped for a minute's silence, followed by a mourneful playing of the last post.
Five minutes later everything was back to normal. The slot machines ringing, the entertainers enthralling the crowds, the boutiques bringing in a fortune from captive shoppers with nowhere to go.
We have reminders of 9/11 every day, like the careful security checking every time we get back on board. But the terrorists didn't end up winning the battle. That would only happen if we all didn't carry on as normal living life to the full.

They Are Lumberjacks And They're Ok

In Ketchican we stopped off at a lumberjack show.

"Ow, this is making me feel a little sore."

It's tricky to log on in the rain.

Grumpy passed the arm raising audition, but his performance turned out to be a little wooden.