Hat's Off To Dad

If you were offended by a funny story preceding a funeral, I wouldn't bother to read this one.
However...
It was the worst moment of my life. The worse second of the worst moment. My father's coffin had just been lowered and the grave diggers were lifting their shovels..Goodness, even I can't believe I'm blogging this, but believe me, it's worth it.
Anyhow, just as the first shovelful of earth was about to land, a breeze lifted one of our friend's kippahs (skull cap) off his head. In a split second it shot up into the air, landing straight on top of the coffin to be instantly covered over with earth.
My dad Coleman was always known for his dry sense of humour. It's where I got my wit (and job) from. It was as if he felt he had to make me laugh when I was feeling sad, just like he did when I was a little girl. So at the worst split second of the worst second of the worst moment, there we were all standing around crying tears of laughter. How fitting that Dad got the last laugh. Sleep well.

A Little Black Humour in the Night

If there's one thing I inherited from my Dad, it was his sense of humour. I'm not being disrespectful, but unfortunately even in sad times there are things that make you laugh. We arrived back in England at 11 p.m. on Wednesday. We're staying at the house I grew up in, in fact sleeping in my old bedroom. The house was empty for sometime once my parents moved into a care home, but is now inhabited by Orphan No. 2, her boyfriend Game Boy and my two grandpigs. (Guinea pigs to you). Although my parents cared for the house meticullously for the 50+ years they lived here, its looking somewhat sad. The house was rewired leaving all sorts of mess, and the garden looks like Sleeping Beauty's castle. Plus my mother hasn't yet allowed any kind of clearance so its a bit of shambles.
This sets the scene we walked into. The living room was full of clutter, the carpets ruined by the electricians. You get the picture. This all seemed even worse arriving from Naperville, the place where you can be arrested if you leave a cup in the sink or you have more than three dandelions per square inch in your garden. Oh yes, and it's the place we were due to hold the funeral lunch in 12 hours time.
Having remodelled a whole house in six weeks, clearing a room in 12 hours seemed easy enough. Ok it was now midnight, but so what? Like yet another installment of Home Make-Over: Aaaghh Edition we set to work taking things out of the living room and stuffing them into any other place we could find. If you need the sellotape, look in the teapot. With clearance underway, I went into the kitchen.
"Aagghhhh!"
Grumpy came running in. I think he thought I'd found my father lying in the larder.
"L..l..look at that," I stumbled. "Wh..what..is it?"
Game Boy was reassuring. "Oh that's nothing," he said. "Just a hole the electricans left."
"But it's in the wall. It's huge. My mother will have a fit."
"That's ok," said Grumpy, stepping into the role of husband of the bereaved as if were about to star on Broadway. "I'll take care of it. Have you got some paper? Computer paper? That would do. "
Game Boy started to laugh.
"Oh, I see. This is just going to be like your video." (see side bar if you haven't seen it before)
"Don't be silly," said Grumpy, offended. "There, it's fine."
"Oh very good," I said sarcastically. "Now we have a crater half covered by a piece of paper. She'd have to be blind not to notice that."
"It'll be fine, " said Grumpy. "Just don't let her in the kitchen."
I returned to the hall way."At least the rest of it's a bit better," I said, not really believing it. "You can see the carpet now." Uh oh. My mother's prized hall carpet was completely ruined by the cementy footprints the electrician had left.
"We've tried, but we just can't get it off," wailed Orphan No. 2.
"I know," said Grumpy, with a sort of reverse logic. "We'll cover the carpet with rugs and tell Grandma we've done it to protect it. She'll never know." (Not a blog reader, my mum, so if you see her, keep it to yourself please).
Thus it was at 2 a.m. we found ourselves in a local supermarket looking for rugs. Watford isn't exactly the city that doesn't sleep, but at least you can buy a rug in the middle of the night.
"How much?" yelled Grumpy. "$40 for a trashy rug?" (This exchange rate thing was so much more exciting when we first arrived in the US than when we have to visit England).
"I don't like that one. It's horrible," said Orphan No. 2 helpfully.
"What about these?" suggested Game Boy.
"We can't use those, they're car mats!"
"How about just turning the hall into a giant ball pond?" said Orphan No. 2.
"Or covering it with mulch?" chimed in Grumpy. "We can say it's the latest trend from America."
"Look just get on with it," I said, tears of laughter running down my cheeks. "Who cares what the rug looks like? Just be grateful you live in a country where you can still buy a cheap nasty rug in the middle of the night."
"And sushi." added Orphan No. 2 through a mouthful of raw fish...

Break in Transmission

It's the event most expats dread. The one that pulls them back home quicker than a taught elastic. Tomorrow we have to head back to England once again to attend my father's funeral. He died today at the age of 92. Normal blog service will resume as soon as possible.

Ever Increasing Circles

Our annual barbecue is always fun and always just a little bit different. This year's was special for two reasons. One reason was that I asked guests to bring an item to donate to our local food pantry, Loaves and Fishes. Feeding the hungry is something the government took care of back in Britain, but over here we've quickly learned that people have to help each other. The irony that we were stuffing ourselves while dropping non perishable items into a box for the hungry didn't escape me, but I have to say it was very rewarding when I took all 140 lbs worth round to their warehouse this morning.
The second exciting thing was that this year our guests of honour were a British family who moved here just four days ago on the strength of the blog! Knowing what it's like to examine Naperville from across the world on the internet before stepping inside, I understand how surreal the whole day must have been for them. One minute they're reading about all my characters, the next they're characters themselves. I felt like our brief time here had suddenly come full circle as we were able to introduce them to our realtor, Jett, Hyacinth, the Duchess and the rest. Talk about history repeating itself!
Anyhow, now they are here, I suppose it's time to look for fresh meat! In my new role as self appointed ambassador to Naperville, if you're reading this from afar (and I know many of you are) please feel free to leave a comment or ask me anything you like about our fair city.

Recipe for A Successful Barbecue

Take one birthday cake, taking care to ignore the fact that somebody squished it with a bag of ice (I warned him not to put them together in the boot (trunk) but would he listen?)

Add one live band - Zazz. (Available for weddings, barmitzvahs and the odd garden party)

Carefully stir in 80 or so of your closest friends and neighbours, toasted to a golden brown under the first rain free day for weeks..

Add a generous pinch of spice (courtesy of our Argentian friends) and sugar (our favourite songbird Cantor Hasha)

Top off with a great hat bought specially in Disneyland

Stand around chatting until everything is ready...

Top with a surprise guest - my new English friend who has just moved to Naperville with her family from Dubai because of what she's read about us all on the blog!

Serve a generous slice to everyone there.

And enjoy!

Party On

Hard to believe tomorrow Grumpy celebrates his third birthday in Naperville. (He's actually 52, but you know what I mean). The first year regular readers may recall we had an entire house remodelled in six weeks, just in time. Orphan No. 2, my GBF and Grumpy's brother and family descended upon us and there was absolute mayhem. It was certainly fun, but manic.
Last year we had friends from England staying with us, and set them to work in the kitchen for the annual barbecue. They were meant to be on vacation, but we still made them lug a huge ice table and serve Chicago style hot dogs.
Well this year things are a little quieter. First time with no house guests. The party of the year is on Sunday and we're all set. Trouble is, I'm so used to the usual insanity, this time it all seems a bit tame...

Lunatics: Remembering the First Moon Landing

Captain's Blog: July 20th 1969
Scene: The Moon

Two little green men are sitting chatting in a crater.

Plinko: seuk ei mei neer ru fee lute
Panko: How am I ever going to practise my English if you keep talking to me in Moonish?
Plinko: Sorry, I forgot. How are things with you?
Panko: Ok, but I'm a bit bored. Nothing ever seems to happen around here.

Just then a noise is heard from above. A lunar module slowly glides down and lands on the surface in front of them.

Plinko (leaping up): "Holy strekee ne'ir me flud!!"
Panko: Do you have to swear?
Plinko: Sorry, but look! What is that?

The door to the module opens and two men climb out. One of them is holding an American flag.
He waves at the little green men.

Astronaut: Hallo there. Take me to your leader.
Panko: At last. Someone to practise my English with. Hallo. What is your name and why are you wearing that goldfish bowl on your head?
Astronaut: My name is Buzz Aldrin. Without this helmet, I wouldn't be able to breathe.
Panko: Buzz? Must be from another planet with a name like that. Hope you emptied out the water before you put the bowl on your head.
Astronaut: I can't believe this place is inhabited. You know what that means? In 40 years time the moon could be a great tourist destination. You guys could make millions. I could see it now. Your own theme park, thousands of visitors a year...
Plinko: No! We like the quiet life. If you tell anyone about us we'll start an intergalatic war.
Astronaut: Ok, off you go then. I'm just going to have a quick round of golf, then we're off. Should be easy, the size of the holes you have around here....

Only In Naperville - Again!

Just back from a trip to Jewel where I bought a few things for next week's barbecue - yes it's nearly that time of year again. As the girl in front of me was paying, she held up a bottle of chocolate sauce.
"This isn't mine," she said.
The cashier apologized, and I realized it had crossed over the little barrier from my line of groceries.
But as the cashier went to remove it from her bill, the girl said to leave it.
"It's ok, I'll just give you the cash," I said, reaching for my purse.
"No, that's fine. Have it on me," she said.

Crafty Art

Naperville Women's Club Art Fair took place this weekend at the Naper Settlement. Here are a few exhibits of my own.....

Many people in the town enjoy camping, but being Naperville there are strict rules as to how you should decorate your tent. It's tricky getting all those pieces of art into your camper van, but rule are rules.

"I'm sorry Gladys, but they're still going to realize you're just trying to cover up the hole in the wall."

"You missed a bit."

"Damn cell phone. I told her not to ring me at the office."

"I warned you what would happen if you left your motorcycle out in the rain...It would turn into an art exhibit."

Back to the Future

Last month (see earlier entry) the good people of Wheaton unearthed a time capsule that had been buried 50 years ago. Inside were letters, newspapers, photographs and artefacts, which were a way of handing on the past to the future in a very personal way.
This got me to thinking what Naperville residents might consider burying if they had a time capsule.
1.A traffic violation camera. This wouldn’t necessarily say that much about how we live today, but it would certainly stop so many people getting tickets when they wait just past the stop sign or rush ahead as the lights are changing.
2.A ticket from AMC Movie Theater. Believe me $10 will seem laughably cheap when we’re all paying $50.
3.A cell phone or iPod so people can laugh and say “can you believe how big they used to be?”
4.A catalogue of GM cars to prove they weren’t an urban myth.
5.A photo of the area surrounding Fifth Avenue Station before it housed a state of the art 2,700 seat theater.
6.A map showing Naperville before Joliet was a close neighbour.
7.A plan of the Naper Settlement before City Hall was taken down and rebuilt in its grounds brick by brick as an historic exhibit.
8.A photo of Jefferson Street before every store was a Starbucks.
9.Copies of all local publications because in 50 years time you’ll only be able to read them on the Internet.
10.A traffic cone from the construction at 75th and Washington. On second thoughts scrap that one. The work will probably still be going on.

British Invasion

Last video clip of the weekend. What would July 4th weekend in Naperville be without a visit to Ribfest? Great as usual, this year ended in a concert duel between Huey Lewis and the News and Herman's Hermits. Americanphile that I am (assuming there is such a word in the English/American language) I still had to plump for the British. I was immediately catapulted back to my childhood. Back to the days before we even knew Peter Noone wasn't really called Herman and when most music came with a Liverpudlian accent. One of the most poignant moments for me came when jokingly Peter said when the band started out, they always dreamed of one day playing in Naperville. I never thought I'd ever watch him play live, let alone in a park in a small American city in the place I now call home.

July 4th Fireworks from Rotary Hill

July 4th Fireworks as seen from Rotary Hill, Naperville

Musical Interlude - Happy July 4th

You can describe these concerts all you like, but sometimes only this will do...
Enjoy!

Yankee Doodles

Last year I was bitterly disappointed when we were unable to attend the Fourth of July concert in Central Park because it was so crowded we couldn't park anywhere. This year I left nothing to chance, so we arrived three hours early and got a great seat. Americans are a patriotic lot at the best of times, but the Fourth really brings out the best (or the worst if you're from Iraq) in them.
The only thing missing was a final tap dance from James Cagney and a giant unfurling of a flag at the back of the stage at the end. Every kind of patriot song was played, although I'm not quite sure how the 1812 (avec canons) fitted in.
Most moving of all was when ex servicemen (mostly from the Second World War) saluted as the old army, navy and airforce marches were played. Having spent my childhood Sunday afternoons watching war films with my dad on TV, I was at least able to recognise which was which. Special guest (see photos below) was a lady celebrating her 107th birthday!


She's a grand old flag...

If you put your white shirt in the wash with the colours, this is what's likely to happen at this time of year.

Open wide. The gentlemen of the Naperville Glee Club. (I thought Glee Clubs died out at the turn of the century, but then again this is Naperville..)

Director Ron Keller strikes up the band.

"Is there a birthday girl in the house?" "Me. Me!"

There's always one......

Pete Ellman presents a raffle prize as compere Ann Lord stands by. First prize free tickets for all next year's concerts! Hang on a minute..aren't they free anyway?

Christmas In July

Let me the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas 2009! Actually, I’m not the first. Naperville Municipal Band has already held a Christmas in June in concert, and from Monday 13th July visitors to the Canterbury Shoppe in downtown Naperville will be able to buy ornaments and the like at their annual Christmas in July event.
What’s wrong with you people? I love Christmas as much as the next person, well, maybe quite as much because I’m Jewish, but Naperville is especially magical during the holiday season. That’s my point. It should be a season, not all year round. For one thing, where would our waistlines be if we ate Christmas dinner every day of the year? What would you buy Uncle Jim when it’s too hot to wear a woolly scarf?
Anyhow, since everyone but me obviously can’t wait for it to be Christmas again, here’s a few suggestions for some early Christmas songs:

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Blueberries
Frosty the Puddle.
It’s Not Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas.
Rudolph the Sunburnt Reindeer.
T’was the Fifth Month Before Christmas.
I Saw Mommy Missing Santa Claus.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Bottles of Suntan Lotion
Baby It’s Hot Outside
Christmas Time Isn’t Here
Santa Claus Isn’t Coming To Town Because He’s On Vacation
Weeding Around The Christmas Tree
In The Hot Misummer
Do They Know It’s Not Christmas?
Let It Rain! Let It Rain! Let It Rain!
O Sticky Night
The Twelve Months of Christmas