Springer Comes To Naperville

After going to see a recording of Jerry Springer earlier this week, I couldn't help but wonder what a Naperville version would be like....

Jerry: Hallo. Today we welcome Lucy to the show. Tell us your story, Lucy.

Lucy: Well Mr Springer. It’s like this. I’m not getting on very well with my mother at the moment.

Jerry, rubbing his hands together with glee: What’s the problem, Lucy?

Lucy: Yesterday she made me go to bed an hour early.

Jerry: So, let’s get this straight. She made you go to bed early? How did she do that? Did she whip you? Who did she make you go to bed with? Your uncle?

Lucy, blushing: Oh no, Mr Springer. (Beginning to cry). She said, she said.”You have a math test tomorrow so you’d better get plenty of sleep. Last time you only, sob, sob, got a B+. Remember how disappointed your teacher was?

Jerry: So then she hit you. Right?

Lucy: Oh no. She…. She…. turned off the TV (loud sobs)

Jerry, looking a little confused:
Ok, so let’s bring Mom in and see what she has to say. Here’s Mommy….

Mom: Enters stage left, lifts up her hand in a threatening manner, but only uses it to stroke Lucy’s hair.
Oh Lucy, do forgive me. I’m sorry I made you cry. Let’s go home and bake. I have a packet of instant mix that’s so convenient you just put the entire box in the oven and 10 minutes later it comes out like a tray of cookies.

Lucy, brightening:
Thanks mommy. I’m sorry if I disobeyed you. (They hug)

Jerry, looking disappointed:
Lucy, maybe you should stand up to your mother. After all, you are 21 and a student at North Central College.