Fluing Visit

There's been much excitement at the Hotel Decent recently as we prepare to welcome some very special guests all the way from Australia. My sister and brother-in-law are making their first trip to the U.S at the weekend.

They've had a few problems trying to organize things, since they're here for over a month and want to make sure they see the best the country has to offer.

We've spent hours chatting on facebook and are fortunately going to meet them somewhere hot and sunny next week.

The trip to L.A. from Australia is 19 hours. 19 hours in a confined space. 19 hours in a confined space on the day Vice (we have so much in common) President Joe Biden said he wouldn't want his family to fly anywhere in light of the swine flu problem. So this is how my sister will look when she arrives at customs. She'll have to have her passport photo changed to match of course. Once on board, she'll have additional protection from the eye mask too. Assuming they haven't put a ban on all flights by then of course.

Mr and Mrs Vice President

Not bad. Grumpy and I have only been living the U.S. for two years and we're already Vice Presidents! To be honest, everyone in the States is a VP. Janitors are VPs in charge of cleaning, mail men are VPs in communication but if it raises their self esteem whom am I to complain?
Anyhow, yesterday Grumpy and I successfully won a hard fought battle to become VPs in charge of membership for the coming year at Congregation Beth Shalom synagogue, Naperville.
Actually that's a slight exaggeration. I'd like to say for the past year I've been a member of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pant Suit, running around the country drumming up support. I'd like to say we spent $100,00,000 going from synagogue to synagogue and that I'm now the first Jewish white woman to hold such a post.
None of this would be true, however. Mind you, lying seems to be a prerequisite for anyone holding office in the Chicago area. The truth of the matter is, as usual, someone asked me and my over inflated ego leapt in to say "yes" before I'd had time to consider.
I'm sure Grumpy and I can come up with some creative ways to increase membership during our term, so here's the first. Would any blog readers who would like to become virtual members please let me know? I'm quite happy to install web cams all around the building so you can join in with activities from wherever you are in the world. Plus we'll have a special buy one membership receive another two at triple the cost offer coming soon, so look out for that one.

It's Hilary With One L!

I am just so sick of having my name spelt wrong in this country! Today my own newspaper spelt it with two LLs, so I want you to all to learn this song so you get it right in future.
(With thanks to Liza Minnelli, who never had the L problem, just the Z).

It’s Hilary with one L,
Not Hilary with two LLs,
‘Cause Hilary with two LLs,
Is a politician.
It’s one L, it’s not two,
It’s simple as be can be,
See, Hilary!

Now, if I came from Wales,
I’d be Welsh.
Most ev’ry name begins with double L
If I came from Spain
I’d be Spanish
And be moaning that the H came out a cough.

But it’s Hilary with one L,
Not Hilary with two LLs,
Just like those other Hilaries Duff and Swank
It’s one L, it’s not two,
Just remember this, it’s true,
Hilary is one L of a name!

And The Winner Is..Sneak Preview

For those of you lucky enough not to catch Holy Neuteronomy! at Congregation Beth Shalom at the end of February, there's no escape. Here's my party piece and tomorrow night you can watch the entire show on NCTV starting at 6.30 p.m. It will be streamed live so if you don't live in the area, you can watch it on www.nctv17.com

He's No Celebrity: Get Him In There!

Yesterday judges refused to allow former Illinois state governor Rod Blagojevich to take part in NBC's new series I'm A Celebrity,Get Me Out Of Here. The reality show is wildly successful in England, and follows the adventures of a group of Z list celebs dropped into the Australian rain forest. In the American version they're being sent to Costa Rico, which Blago probably thought would save him having to pay for his own ticket to escape to South America.
For those of you disappointed that he won't be taking part, here's an excerpt from how the first episode might have unfolded:

Scene: Clearing in a rain forest. There are 12 tree stumps with cushions on in the centre. There are 20 cameras hidden in the surrounding foliage, with cameramen whispering at each other, drinking beer.

Blago (looking around): Looks like I'm the first person here. Great. A minute on my own to think. No one can hear me or see me, which is quite frankly a bit of a disappointment, but it'll help me acclimatize.
(Removes wig to reveal shiny bald head).
Phew, that's better. God it's hot here. My 'hair's' going to be crawling in a few days. Lucky I bought these spares.
(Opens case to reveal three more identical wigs).
A rustling sound is heard. Enter Sanjaya.
Blago: Oh, you made me jump.
Sanjaya: Sorry. Are you here for I'm A Celebrity?
Blago: Of course I am, don't you recognize me?
Sanjaya: Er, well. To be quite honest no. I've never seen you before.
Blago (gesturing to tree stumps): In that case, can I sell you a seat?
Sanjaya (ignoring him): Would you like to hear this new song I've written especially to resurrect my singing career?
Blago: Surely you can only resurrect something you've already had?
Sanjaya: Have you heard they have contests on the show where they make you eat bugs?
Blago: Bugs! Drat, I thought no one was *!~'** listening!

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

I see verily that this Thursday cometh is pronounced to be Speak Like Shakespeare Day ineth Chicago. Ye I am shocked and surprisethed at this proclamation, made yesteryere by his lordship the mayor, Sir Richard Daley (in his dreams).
The reason for this most strangest of quests is because Thursday is the noble poet's birthday, and in caseth thou did not knowest it, St George's Day, he who ith the patron saint of jolly olde Englande.
As I ameth born of the fair country itself, I naturallyeth speaketh in the mode of the bard every day. And as a former teacher of the faire language, I offer thee some suggestions if thou would likest to take parte.

When you wake up in the morning and your dog has messed in the middle of the family room: "Out, out damn Spot!"
What's happened to Sacha Baron Cohen these days?
"Alas poor Borat I knew him well".
For the motorist whose GPS has stopped working:
"Romeoville, Romeoville, wherefore out thou Romeoville?"

Hilary Decent. Com

Today I am a dot com! Thanks to the help of my friend Kimberly Steele (who happens to be a pretty good piano teacher too) today I'm launching my new website. Do drop in for a look round. It's still in its infancy, but hopefully one day will have links to my fan club, celebrity perfume, workout regime, TV chat show etc...

Ping Pong: I'm All Of A Twitter

Not sure how much more social networking I can take! I spend so long on it some days I never get to connect with anyone face to face at all! I've been on facebook for a while now (it's where all mothers of teenagers and twenty somethings hang out to look cool and spy on their kids). But recently I was advised that anyone who is anyone is now on Twitter too. Not sure I see the allure of that one, but I thinking I could update my status from facebook thought it wouldn't take any more time.
No such luck. I got myself in a real twitter when I realised I hadn't updated it for days. But when I did update it, it went straight through to facebook, not the other way round. Then a friend suggested I use Ping to update both. Aagghh. If that were not enough, today I'm launching my website. So now you can link from that to here, from here to there, from Twitter to Ping and me straight to the lunatic asylum.

Happy Tax Day!

Tax day is an interesting phenomenon in the U.S. April 15th is the date everyone has to file their taxes by. You can read about our first attempt in last year's blog entry. This year was much simpler. We did it all really early and I now clean and dress myself in our tax rebate every morning.
But the Americans make such a fuss! You'd think they were only given two days notice. Everyone knows the date, so they have a year to get everything in order.
Many restaurants are even offering free food to take some of the stress out of the day. In case you're desperate, here's a selection:
•Free ice cream. Maggie Moo's Ice Cream and Treatery will give away single-scoop servings to customers at 200 stores in what it calls an "e-cone-omic ice cream stimulus package."
•Free sweets. Snack chain Cinnabon will give out Tax Day Bites, free bite-size cinnamon rolls usually known as Classic Bites, from 5 to 8 p.m. at its 700 outlets on tax day.
•Free tacos. At its 275 restaurants in the West, Taco Del Mar will run a promotion: "Taxes Suck. Tacos Don't." People can register at the Taco Del Mar website for an e-mailed coupon for a free tax day taco.
•Free gift cards. T.G.I. Friday's will give Wednesday customers $5 Bonus Bites gift cards for food and beverage purchases of $15 to $25 and $10 cards for those who spend more than $25. Members of the 1,000-outlet chain's frequent-customer program also will get double points.
I could just see that happening in England every time there's some bad news.....
Judi Dench's latest film bombs at the box office: Free popcorn all round.
Rain spoils another Bank Holiday: Free umbrellas
The West Indies defeat England at cricket: Free cucumber sandwiches.

Holy Neuteronomy! Rides Again

Just wanted to let you all know that for those of you who were too lazy to travel the 3,000 or so miles over to Naperville to see Holy Neuteronomy! it will be screened on our local TV station NCTV on Friday, April 24th at 6.30 p.m. For those of you too lazy to make the trip to sit in front of a local TV set, there's no excuse. There will be live screening at www.nctv17.com. For anyone wanting to see my party piece (I wouldn't recommend it without a blindfold, ear plugs and a stiff drink) it's right at the end, just before 8 p.m. I think.

Now I'm A Lay Dee!

Those of you who read my item the other day For Better Or Worse, might like to find out the outcome. Today I received this e mail from The Glancer which has been sent out to readers telling them about three new columnists starting in May.

"Naperville resident and British writer Hilary Decent joins us with a regular new column – Happy with Grumpy: One Local Lady Shares on Love & Marriage. Each month Hilary will be taking a humorous look at her life with her husband, Grumpy. As you get to know them, Grumpy considers himself to be the voice of reason in their marriage, while Hilary tends to act first and think later. To celebrate Mother’s Day in her debut issue, Hilary recalls the day she became a mom 25 years ago."

So now I've been elevated from a 'wife' to a 'lady'. Not sure what I think of this one. If I play a word association game with 'lady' I think of Hyacinth Bucket or the catchphrase "I'm a lay dee" from Little Britain. Guess it means I'm finally old enough to buy those pearls...

Rain On My Easter Parade

Easter in England is different to Easter here in the U.S For one thing we used to have a four day holiday. Today is Easter Monday in England. Here it's just Monday.
In the States there is no holiday, although Easter is still celebrated. Easter egg hunts are huge. People hide them in their yards for their children to find, and trees are decorated with coloured eggs.
Despite this abundance of eggs, the chocolate variety are very disappointing. Little flat things mostly. Where are the huge chocolate shells that you crack open for little chocolates to pour out of? Being Jewish we would never actually eat them on Easter because we were celebrating Passover and not able to eat them. But being cheap it meant we could buy them half price the next day and keep them until Passover was over.
They do sell baskets stuffed with toys and bunnies, much like in France, but somehow its not the same.
However, one thing is definitely the same. Today, being the Monday after Easter Sunday, we have torrential rain.

A Beginner's Guide To Plainfield

Welcome to Plainfield. Although technically a village, it has a small downtown and a sprawling outer area with new homes springing up on the prairie. Don't worry if you don't find yourself living too close to the cute downtown area. There are dozens of anonymous strip malls all over the place, much like the rest of the state.

Stop 1 on our tour. Just in case you aren't sure where you are - you're on Main Street. Every town has one.

I've heard of Christmas trees, but never an Easter one. This year produced an eggscellent crop.

But always prepared, the people of Plainfield have a year round Christmas shop too.

Next stop: Here's where to go for fresh meat.

Tempted? There's a real estate office right on Main Street. (click to enlarge)

Of course if you're moving from abroad, you have to remember which side of the street to drive on.

Personally I could never live anywhere without a good ice cream parlour!

There's a church right in the heart of town.

And a little touch of Eastern promise for anyone moving to Plainfield from the Far East!

There's something for everyone. If you don't worship in a church or an ice cream parlour, there's always the pub!

Sometimes you can be too quaint...

This style of older building is typical of the Mid West

You'll be nice and safe in Plainfield. The fire brigade is right in the middle of town, right under the ubiquitous American flag.

Of course the best thing about Plainfield is its so close to Naperville, voted third best place in the United States to live. But prices are more affordable, especially in the current economy, so what are you waiting for?

Howdy Neighbo (u) r

One of the nicest things about blogging is picking up readers around the world. I even have one in Dubai who is hoping to move over to the Naperville/Plainfield area. She's been able to find out a lot about Naperville from the blog of course, but to show how seriously I take this, yesterday we drove out to neighbouring Plainfield to take some photos for her. I thought you might like to see them too.
Illinois is the U.S's prairie land. The state is larger than the whole of the UK. Its flat plains stretch for hundreds of miles, but of course towns have been built on it from the middle of the 19th century. Plainfield is really what happened when Naperville spread too far. Eventually someone said: "Enough of this sprawling metropolis, we'll build a new town right next door!" Although the two towns do actually meet, Naperville is so vast, it's quite a distance from the little village of Plainfield and the centre of its more established neighbour.
So if you'd like to have a look around Plainfield, take a look at my next entry.

It's Bloomin' Spring At Last

Three days ago it was winter. Now I'm happy to report it's finally spring. (Well, for today anyway). Here are a couple of photos from my garden. If anyone can tell me what this first one is, I'd love to know...

April Showers

Thought you'd like to see a photo of April showers Chicago style! This is what we woke up to this morning, after an evening of blizzards last night.

For Better Or Worse

As I've already told you, I'm very happy that Grumpy's adventures are to appear in The Glancer magazine starting next month. He may be the one who's Grumpy, but sometimes I'm never happy. This time it's the title. They were going to simply call the column Grumpy, but I didn't really think that said enough about what it was about. So today I sent them a few suggestions and they picked Happy With Grumpy, which obviously I now think is ok since I wrote it. The problem is the explanation line, which reads: One Naperville Wife Shares Her Stories on Life & Marriage.
Now technically there's nothing actually wrong with that. The column is stories about our life and marriage. The problem is the 'wife' bit.
I called Grumpy at work.
"It's such an insult," I whined. "They want to call me..a..a..wife!"
"You are a wife," he replied.
"Yes, I know," I moaned. "But it sounds like I'm an appendage. I'm more independent than that."
"Ok, so what's the column about?" he said. Too logical for his own good, that man.
"It's all about you," I replied.
"And who am I?" he asked.
"My husband."
"So that makes you my wife. Don't see the problem."
"It just makes me sound so ordinary," I continued.
"You are ordinary. What do you want it to say? Naperville megalomaniac shares her stories?"
So now I'm a desperate housewife (no, no, not housewife, that's even worse) struggling to find a better word than 'wife'.
So far I've come with life partner, better half and woman, but none of these are real alternatives. Grumpy's suggestion goes back to our English roots. In Cockney rhyming slang, a wife is 'trouble and strife'.
"Just call yourself trouble," he snapped. "Oh, and if you really want to be seen as a independent woman here, get your own visa!"

Wired For Sound: President Obama Gives The Queen An iPod

I see Mr Obama has given the Queen an iPod as a gift. That got me to wondering what songs she'll download from One Tunes as soon as he's gone. In case she'd like some suggestions, here goes:
1. God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
2. How Much Is One's Doggy In The Window?
3. A selection by Queen, with Killer Queen top of the list of course.
4. Castles in the Air by Don McLean.
5. Bette Windsor Eyes by Bonnie Tyler.
6. They're Changing Guard At Buckingham Palace.
7. If I Ruled The World from the musical Pickwick.
8. We Are Royal Family by Sister Sledge.
9. When One's 104 by Lennon and McCartney.
10. Puppy Love by Donny Osmond.

Royal Tea

Here's the real photo of the Obamas meeting the Queen today. Sorry, but they still look like waxworks, and her majesty is beginning to bear a striking resemblance to my mum!