Pig in a Joke

Even when you're producing a comedy, truth can sometimes be funnier than fiction. I've only found the time to write this entry because I'm taking a break from the hundreds of emails going back and forth between cast and crew as we continue to prepare for Holy Neutermony! (Only 29 days to go, tickets available now from 1 630 961 1818, don't forget the international code if you're flying in specially from another country!)
Today's little problem occurred when I decided using a real ventriloquist's puppet would probably be too expensive, so I suggested a hand puppet would do instead. I then realized that the synagogue nursery would probably have just such a thing, which would mean no expense at all!
I was right. We now have a puppet which our 'ventriloquist' will try out at Sunday's rehearsal. Just one problem. It's a pig.
"A pig? In a syng?" I texted back on my Blackberry.
"Just saw the pig. It's hilarious! We have to use it! What is a Jewish comedy without treif (non -kosher) humor?" replied my puppeteer.
"Well we'll give it a try then," I relented. "But remember, he has to play Samson. I'll bring a black wig to try out, but I imagine it will be too big for a pig."
So now I have to add a few lines to the script explaining why a pig is playing Samson. There are some things you just cannot make up....

The Witch Doctor is Out

This afternoon I interviewed a counsellor. By the time I left, I'm surprised he didn't want to sign me up as a client. His name was given me to by a friend as an interesting subject for my column. When I told her he had agreed, she said I should be sure to ask him to tell me the story about the witch doctor. At the end of the interview, I remembered this, so I said: "Can you tell me the story about the witch doctor?"
He smiled: "Sorry, I don't know what you are talking about."
"Er, I suppose it does sound a little strange, but I was told to ask you."
I started to feel a bit uneasy. Was this a deliberate ploy to make me look like a fool? (If so, a complete waste of time since I have no problem doing so all by myself).
"I really can't remember one," he said. "Sorry." He started to look at me like a specimen in a test tube.
When I got back I immediately spoke to my friend via Facebook.
"The interview was great, but he couldn't remember anything about a witch doctor," I told her.
"A witch doctor? You asked him about a witch doctor???" she replied .
Turned out I shouldn't have asked the counsellor, but another mutual friend whose name begins with the same initial. If you listen carefully, you can still hear my Facebook buddy laughing. And if you really listen carefully, you can probably hear the counsellor too.

Poster Production

I'm proud to unveil for the first time the poster for Holy Neuteronomy! the show I've written for Congregation Beth Shalom. The scary thing is the opening night is only five weeks away, and if today's rehearsal was anything to go by, the poster will be the most entertaining thing about it! A third of the cast didn't show up, there were the usual arguements and moaning and our rehearsal space was taken over by the remnants of a wedding. As usual the rehearsal itself was followed by a volley of e mails discussing whether we wanted a spotlight falling on a heap of stuffed plush fish and whether two Garfields should march into the ark. I'm already so fed up with these minor details, I wouldn't care if the children portraying the animals all wore school uniform and juggled bananas. Now, there's a a thought....

Hard to Swallow

Sometimes eating out in a country which is not your own can be a real culture shock. Today we found ourselves in a restaurant at 11.20 a.m. In England this would definitely mean breakfast only. But in America, 11.30 a.m. is a common time for lunch. It threw me into a quandary. Should I order breakfast, knowing how quickly the food tends to arrive, or lunch in case it was late?
"Only you would worry about this," moaned Grumpy. "Just order something. What difference does it make?"
In a way he had a point. Especially as most of the breakfast dishes come with dessert toppings anyway, which to me seems a mixture of two meals anyway.
I looked at the menu. Much as I like the fact that most restaurants offer breakfast, lunch and dinner, this one was particularly confusing. It was full of rules and regulations.
Some dishes were only available Monday to Friday between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. I could have a sweet or savoury crepe up until 2 p.m., but oatmeal stopped at 11 a.m. Country fried steak and eggs were only "just 'til 2 p.m." Some items were served daily after 4 p.m. until close, but I had no idea when 'close' was. I had to check my watch so many times I'd forgotten what I wanted to eat in the first place.
Assuming you could get your head around it, the overstuffed menu was decorated with all kinds of symbols which were almost impossible to decipher without the aid of a magnifying glass.
Eventually I discovered that ** meant senior discount and CA in a red sun meant 'carb aware'. This was not to be confused with two cherries of the same colour, which meant feature dishes.
Not unusually in American restaurants, the waitress came to check on us every 30 seconds, no doubt because she thought I was too stupid to read the menu. Even after the food arrived, she popped back to see how it looked, how the first mouthful was, how the third mouthful was and obviously whether we required dessert when I was half way through my wrap.
"Ahh, at least that solves one question," I said to Grumpy. "If we're offered dessert, it must have been lunch. Right?"

Back to the Future

When I moved to the States, I was keen to resurrect my original career. Just like when I was 20 years old, I had aspirations of writing for national newspapers and magazines. In those days, the way to start was by working on a local newspaper, learning the tricks of the trade, sniffing out stories where there were none. I wrote court reports, interviewed couples celebrating golden wedding anniversaries, human interest features and reviewed amateur dramatics.
Thirty years later, I felt I had moved up a notch when I got my column at the Naperville Sun. I was writing all about me and Grumpy. I felt like a celebrity. We were the Lucy and Desi of 2008 Naperville!
Lately there have been a few changes at the paper, and they now want me to go back to writing news features. Later today I'm actually covering exactly the sort of human interest story assignment I would have written in my previous life. It occurs to me that it has taken me 30 years to get back to the same point I started from.
Even the most positive life coach would be hard pressed to think of this as progress. But there is one major difference. In England, a major class on my journalism course was Cynicism 101. I think my readers then took it too. In a town like Naperville, the tiniest achievements are applauded. When I rang my subject to make an appointment to see her, she acted as though it would be really exciting to be interviewed by me! (Don't worry, she'll find out soon enough).
So what I'm trying to say, is that although I've really been pushing forward here just to get back to the beginning, this time round I'm far more optimistic and positive things will work out. Little things mean a lot more here. Even after nearly two years, I still really believe every new e mail will herald my big break, every phone call will be that one from a major TV or radio station. That a Broadway producer will want to take Holy Neuteronomy! to New York. (Well, maybe that one's a little too far fetched but it makes me smile). Even if it isn't, life is a lot more fun when you really believe every day will bring you something more exciting than the last. Now, where's my notebook?

At Last.....The Obamas Juggle Their Balls

On our first Christmas in Naperville, we were a little overbooked and ended up going to three parties with two full Christmas dinners! Tonight, America's new first couple seem to have done the same thing. Not one, but 10 balls to attend! To make things easier on themselves they sensibly wore the same outfits for all of them, and chose to dance to the same song, At Last, quite appropriate after a two and half year campaign. However, I was a bit disappointed by their dance moves. I got the feeling in private they can groove with the best of them, but it was all a bit restrained.
In the U.S these days, it is very popular for wedding couples to not only attend dance classes before the big day, but to have a specially choreographed dance to open the ball. I know they've been a bit busy lately, but I was surprised they didn't have something really special up their sleeves. Just think of the photo opportunity - Barack dipping Michelle, or better still lifting her up above his head ballet style? I could see the judges of Dancing With The Stars sitting by holding up their score cards. Nothing less than a perfect 30, naturally.

The Toast Is....

Today's historic inauguration is the most important thing happening on the planet today. People are tuned in to TVs, radios and internet providers around the globe. Every eye is focused on local hero Barak Obama. The press and TV will be full of pictures today of how the world population is celebrating. Anyone can have a big story today, but I would like to share a tiny one.

January 20th, 2009 is also a special day for a little old lady living on the other side of the world. Today my mum celebrated her 85th birthday at the care home where she now resides with my 92-year-old father in London. At lunch time everyone was presented with a small glass of wine.

Naturally my mum thought it was to celebrate her big day. Until everyone was told to hold up their glass and toast to the our new President Barack Obama!

Speak Up

Two and a half years of campaigning, dozens of word perfect speeches - the new President of the United States forgot one thing. To rehearse the oath taking ceremony. He fluffed his way through it, speaking at the wrong time, tripping over his tongue. But I don't think anyone is complaining....

God Save The President

Hey, this is nice. I see the Americans haven't forgotten the British in all this. Aretha Franklin is singing our national anthem - God Save The Queen. How thoughtful. Hang on a minute. She's got the words wrong. What's this let freedom reign stuff? Honestly, you'd think they'd be able to come up an original tune....

Take Your Partners - the Inauguration Begins...

Just watching the inauguration on TV, which somehow just seems a little more exciting than when I used to watch them in England! Currently the former presidents are taking their seats. Being such a great piece of American entertainment, quite frankly I'm a little disappointed so far. I would have staged it as a big Busby Berkley number. The cast could have danced in a huge circle, with a giant model of the White House rising up from the centre. I'd have the Clintons performing the Resurrection Tango, the Carters doing a hoe down and the Bushes Texas two stepping their way out, stage right....

The Perfect Face For Radio

I'd always quite fancied myself as a chat show host, but never thought of what it would be like to be on the receiving end. Tonight I found out when I was the guest on Revolutionary Muse, an inspirational programme on a blogging radio station. I cannot believe how nervous I was before it began, considering I was simply talking on the phone from my own office. This wasn't helped by the fact that when I initially rang in the line was engaged. It's all very well having trouble getting through a phone in radio station when you just want to add a comment, but a whole different thing when you are the guest!
Fortunately I did eventually manage to get through. The hosts Sue and Joanne said a quick hallo, then muted me so I couldn't speak. It was then I overheard them saying to each other that they thought I was probably very nervous but not to worry because I liked to talk! Great. Some confidence builder that was.
Anyone, once we got going it turned out to be a great experience. After all, who doesn't like spending an hour talking about themselves? If you want to hear for yourselves, click the link on the right. Be warned, it lasts an hour, but is worth listening to. I managed to give free plugs to the Naperville Sun, Naperville Cultural Center, our realtor Jay Shepherd, my show at Congregation Beth Shalom and Grumpy's employers, not to mention my take on living the American dream, of course.

How to Dress for Success: Advice for Michelle Obama

There is so much talk about what the new first lady will be wearing at the inauguration on Tuesday! Will she pick a young American designer thus catapulting him or her to instant success? Will she dress conservatively because of the state of the economy? Well, here is my solution.

The dress is available at Target.com for the bargain price of only $27.99! Don't worry, it's still a designer label - Mossimo, and is smart, elegant and will show the world that she is fully aware of the problems the average woman on the street faces these days. How to dress for less.

There could be no better addition than these stylish political donkey rain boots, also from Target, a snip at merely $12.49! After all, the weather will be cold with light snow possible, and if a girl can't make a political statement at her own husband's inauguration as President of the United States, when can she?

Deep Freeze

I can't keep writing about the weather here, can I? Well waking up to -27C (with wind chill -36C) I feel it's just something I can't ignore. It's the first time I've woken up with thick ice on the inside of my windows since I was a little girl living in pre-central heating days in England. Trouble is the heating was on all night!

It's so cold, the schools are closed. So cold, there are constant weather warnings on TV telling people to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary. So cold you can get frostbite within minutes of being outside if you leave any area of your body other than your eyelashes exposed.

The other side of the coin is that it is so beautiful. Even in the cold, the sun still has the good grace to shine. We have nearly a foot of snow, white, crisp and even against the bright blue sky. Naturally it looks even better from inside your house. Every building looks like it has been suddenly redecorated for Christmas, with a wide fringe of icicles strung along every roof.

Locals who are far more used to Chicago winters than I am, still complain about just how bad this is. But unlike the British who have a tendency to moan about far less severe weather problems, they take it with a sense of humour and their usual optimism. After all, it's only a couple of months until spring, right?

My Part In The Inauguration

When I first arrived in the United States nearly two years ago, I thought Barack Obama was how dyslexics referred to Osama Bin Laden. Since then I have followed his progress and like the rest of the country, make that world, will be glued to my TV set on Tuesday.
But I never thought this auspicious event (the inauguration, not my watching TV) would actually impact on my career, such as it is. Today I learnt otherwise, when I was invited to be the guest on a blog talk radio program airing on Monday evening.
I don't know what makes me more excited. That my story can draw some kind of parallels with such an enormous change, or that I can do it without the effort of having to dig myself out of a foot of snow to do it!
In an age when you can talk to friends around the world via the Internet, I can appear (not sure that's the right word) on radio from the comfort of my own office.
I'll be talking about my favourite subject these days - me, and answering any questions from listeners. Best, or maybe that should be worst, of all, I won't have to buy a new outfit, get my hair done or lose 20lbs before Sunday. As someone once quipped, I have the perfect face for radio!
I'd never really seen myself as a political pundit, although it's hard not to be living in Illinois, the state where the circus is always in town. So if you want to hear what I sound like without the aid of a written blog to hide behind, listen in at 8 p.m. central time on Monday 19th.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/RevolutionaryMuse

Hamming It Up in the Temple

Sunday's rehearsals for Holy Neuteronomy! went well.

"You're going to be in this show if I have to drag you onto the stage."

"It took her six months to write this?"

"Will you just get on with it?"

Tear Jerks

Last night we went with a few friends to see Brad Pitt's latest movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Ironically, for a book based on a short story, I thought it was a little too long, but the females amongst us all enjoyed a good cry at the end. (Well, not me, obviously, because I kept my stiff upper English lip, but the thought was there).
Anyhow, as the lights came up the usherette saw everyone wiping their eyes.
She nodded.
"I know," she said. "I work here and it still gets me every time!"

Black Hole

Now that the snow has been cleared off the roads, we face the perennial problem here in the winter - pot holes. Gaping holes appear every winter, they are filled in in the spring, then re-open for business the following winter.
I don't know if I am being really naive here, but couldn't they be filled with something that wouldn't disintegrate the first time a snowflake hits it? As the locals say, there are two seasons here in Chicagoland. Winter and Construction season.

Facebooking Facts

My name is Hilary and I'm a Facebookaholic! Phew, feel better I've admitted it. I've been a member of Facebook for about a year now, and to be honest I never used it much. I had a couple of friends on it, some whom I actually knew, and would occasionally send the odd 'gift' in the form of an icon. If you haven't seen it, you can read about my personal version of it on the blog February 12th 2008. Like most people with adult children, I joined to find out what they were up to.
But I don't know what's happened lately. I suddenly find myself with 91 friends and I'm on there all the time. I would like to point out for the uninitiated that I'm not quoting this number of friends to boast. My kids have about 300 friends and counting. Yesterday I joined my favourite author's page and saw she has about 34,000 friends, although I bet she doesn't know them all by name.
I'm friends with people at my synagogue I never see at services, media people like the ABC weather girl and long lost relatives from around the world. I feel like a nosy neighbour peeking at their status's. Orphan No 2's friends seem to spend a lot of time being bored and rtg in txt spk, while some of my American friends like to post cryptic messages which make them sound fascinating and highly educated. (Obviously more highly educated than I am because I can't understand them).
In the past few weeks I've discovered I can actually chat with these people on line. That's really interesting. Interesting because it's amazing how many of my 'friends' I actually have no desire to actually speak to, just spy on.
Today was particularly eventful. In one day alone I discovered that my former next door neighbour has been awarded a CBE (he'll be presented with a medal by the Queen!), have been able to chat in real time with my sister in Australia (she was finishing tomorrow's breakfast while I was making dinner) and found my first boyfriend (don't tell my last!)

The Seat of Power

Just wanted to let you all know I'm now fully recovered and hoped to be back at my seat by the computer today. But when I got there I found someone had sold it to the highest bidder. There was a brief tussle at my office door, but I am pleased to say so far I have been able to keep him away. Unfortunately he has a meeting with a higher power today (my cleaning lady), so who knows what will happen. I'm not saying my replacement is a bad choice, but as far as I know he bought the seat on ebay at a knock down price and to be honest, I think my seat deserves more. So if there are any more bidders out there, let me know.
If you are not interested in this particular item, I believe there will be another one vacant for the Illinois senate shortly.

Not so Happy New Year

You know what's even worse than having a husband with flu? It's catching it yourself and having to spend NYE watching everyone else enjoy themselves on TV. Don't read this with your head too close to the screen - you know how easy it is to pass on these viruses via computer...