Dear Martha

Dear Martha,
I followed your instructions to the letter and proudly displayed my pumpkin on my porch. I guess it's a bit late now, but could you tell me how to make it squirrel proof? They have eaten into the side, kicked it onto the path and ruined all my work. I don't know how they could be so hungry. Yesterday they emptied an entire bird feeder. In fact I swear I saw one loading up a shopping cart with bird food they were so greedy.
I searched all the stores in vain tonight for a new pumpkin. But just like the person who leaves their Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve, I seem to have left it too late.
So I now have a porch covered with cobwebs, spiders and ghouls and will be out in full witch regalia tomorrow evening, alas with no Jack O'Lantern.
Yours disappointedly......

Martha Screwup

Today readers we are going to learn how to make a beautiful Jack-O-Lantern for Halloween.
Here's what you will need: one large pumpkin and a pumpking carving kit. Ready? Off we go!

Step 1: Turn your pumpkin around to find the best place to mark your design. You need one which is nice and round, not flat on one side with a nasty dried up old bruise on the back.

Step 2: Buy a new pumpkin.

Step 3: Slice top off pumpkin, remembering to retain it for later. You'll need to place it back on at the end.

Step 4: Remove pumpkin lid from trash can. What did I tell you?

Step 5: Use scraper provided to remove all seeds and stringy bits. I said all strings.

Step 6: Select pattern from book, cut it round the edge and affix to aforementioned pumpkin with tape.

Step 7: Use pounce wheel (like a mini pizza wheel) to trace pattern onto pumpkin. Your neighbours will be much more impressed if you use one of the more difficult patterns, so no carving two triangle eyes and a smile, thank you.

Step 8: Remove paper to reveal pinhole pattern to cut through.

Step 9: Rub flour onto pumpkin to reveal pinhole pattern to cut through.

Step 10: Find magnifiying glass to reveal pinhole pattern to cut through.

Step 11: Decide your own design will look better anyhow. Any child could cut round a tracing.

Step 12: Use tools provided: tiny saws and plastic drill.

Step 13: Use tools not provided: Kitchen knives and scissors.

Step 14: Use anything you can find to cut through pumpkin. A rusty garden saw or fallen branch works well.

Step 15: Place candle inside pumpkin.

Step 16: Stand on tiptoes with very long lighter to attempt to light candle.

Step 17: Drill a tiny hole in pumpkin lid to let smoke out.

Step 18: What did I tell you about the lid? Keep hold of it stupid.

Step 19: Replace lid lining up cut out "tooth" for a perfect fit.

Step 20: What do you mean, you didn't leave a "tooth?"

Step 21: Precariously balance lid with two cocktail sticks, taking care not to blow the candle out.

Step 22: Run hand under cold water to reduce blistering.

Step 23: Buy a battery operated plastic pumpkin.

Boo-tiful Halloween Pictures

Trick or Treating started early this weekend. Downtown Naperville opened its doors to little children who dressed up to collect candy from local stores.

This little chicken wasn't sure why she crossed the road. Perhaps it was for a photo opportunity.
Being Tigger is bouncy, bouncy fun

His friend Winnie the Pooh has been enjoying a little too much honey..and has attracted a giant bee.

A little one enjoys a game of dead lions

Why not decorate your car for Halloween too?

This one's a Booick!

You're not putting me in a pie..

Dieting too young can be dangerous

A pair of angelic devils

Searching for Cat Woman - it's Bat Dog

Homeowners in Cress Creek are normally so house proud. Surely this will bring down the prices in the neighbourhood?

No wonder I haven't seen Mrs Jones recently. Her husband seems to have buried her in the front yard!

Waiting for Wednesday. This witch is just hanging around.

Good Job

It was 11 p.m. and we were hungry. Not unusual to pop out for pizza, right? A little more unusual when you are dressed as the newly dead butler of a haunted house and a green faced witch.
"You guys going to a party?" said the girl as we ordered.
"No, we always dress like this." I smirked through my brown waxed teeth.
I thought we may be a little less conspicious if we got a take away, but it took ages to arrive.
Eventually a party of children walked past on their way out.
"Hey, we've just seen you at the settlement. You were awesome," one little boy said. "Good job."
Suddenly four hours of cackling and door opening seemed worth it. I've often criticised Americans for their over positivity with kids, saying "good job" when they haven't necessarily done anything special.
But late at night when you're tired, feeling like a freak (and looking like one) in a pizza joint, it couldn't have come as a nicer compliment.

The Worst Witch

"When shall we two meet again," just didn't have the right ring to it, so I was delighted when the third witch finally turned up to join us as I volunteered at the Naper Settlement's All Hallow's Eve Village of Fear event last night.
"Sorry, just in from Chicago," she said, pulling out her script.
As a former Shakespearean actress ( third watchman in Much Ado About Nothing, aged 11), I was appalled at this lack of professionalism.
Noticing we didn't have scripts, she whispered: "Gee, was I meant to learn this? Sorry."
As we danced around the cauldron she bent down to the fire below to catch enough light to read.
Let me set the scene. We were in the darkened "underworld" in the museum, an area just below the entrance. Our area was draped with black gauze and skulls, which to be honest looked more Hamlet than MacBeth.
There were loud sound effects of chains rattling and general all purpose moaning, and grim reapers led groups of screaming children and parents around the displays. To be honest, they didn't seem too frightened by us, but I did hear screams as they passed when a werewolf jumped out at them at 10 second intervals.
You can see from the earlier photo how I was dressed. My "sister" Nancy went for a less flashy approach, all dressed in black with long dark hair, green face and black pointy hat. You know the kind of thing.
Our new recruit had short blond hair, a black sweater and ra ra skirt. Guess you can't get the staff when you rely on volunteers.
After a couple of hours she announced she had to leave as she was driving up to Ohio.
"I suppose we could always say we turned you into a toad," I hissed as she left.

When three become two, you certainly get round to your part again fast. Our script was two scenes from MacBeth cobbled together. We danced round the cauldron (dry ice not permitted in case it damaged the exhibits. Shame.) throwing imaginery ingredients into the pot.
All I can I say it was lucky I wasn't following a real recipe. Some times I forgot things, other times got them in the wrong order. Fortunately I don't cook like this for real.
After four long hours all I wanted to do was put my feet up with a nice mug of hemlock.

Thank You For Your Interest, But...

Unemployment is a miserable thing. Unfortunately I know several people currently looking for work and the rejection can be devestating. So, you can imagine my shock when today I received a rejection letter for a job I hadn't even applied for!
It began:"Thank you for your interest in the Major Gifts Associate position at the DuPage Children's Museum. At this time we have hired a candidate with a very strong skills and experience in major gifts campaign management and capital campaign experience as well."
Well, I'm not surprised I didn't get the job I didn't apply for. I don't even understand what the position means. I guess I stuffed up at the interview I didn't have.
Thinking about it, it took a lot of strain out of waiting to hear whether I was successful in my application for the job I didn't know exsisted. I didn't have to buy an interview outfit, make up knowledgeable answers to questions I didn't understand or wait anxiously for the post to arrive every day.
Of course part of me is very sorry I didn't get the job. It's never nice to be rejected, even if you never applied for what you were rejected from.
Unless Major Gifts Associate means you get expensive presents everyday, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.
I'm off now to not apply for a weekly column on a national newspaper - that's a job I would really like. I'd also consider hosting my own chat show or acting on Broadway. I also have a novel in the pipe works. I look forward to whole host of rejection letters shortly.

No Business Like Snow Business

I know everything tends to be bigger and better in Naperville, but now I have seen everything. Browsing downtown this afternoon I spotted a snowball maker. It's just like an ice cream scoop, but with slightly longer handles. No grabbing handfulls of rough snow for the good folk of Naperville. All their snowballs will be perfectly round and exactly the right size to fit in the palm of your hand. There is no sign of snow yet as the leaves are still obediently falling into neat piles below the trees, but I guess you can never be too well prepared.

That Old Green Magic

sryui for any topping msitooks but I am riting thiiis with thrww inch3 log nail\. Thr resoan? My role as third witch at the Naper Settlement's Halloween event. On Monday we took part in the dress rehearsal. We had the most tremendous fun. They don't call me a drama queen for nothing. We spent hours, and a small fortune, getting ready. I had to use a wig to revert my normal hair colour back to its original grey curls, highlight the moles I usually cover up and paint my face green. Luckily I have spent the past 50 years growing my own nose, so I didn't have to buy a prosthetic one.
I dragged Ross into it too. As the "newly dead" butler to the haunted mansion, I gave him a white face, powdered wig and a dyed black rose to wear in his button hole. To be honest, I found him more attactive than normal - must have been the thick head of hair I haven't seen since he had an afro when we first met!
I have been practising my lines all week. Chanting spells in the car and asking the staff where they keep the root of hemlock in Jewel. I called out "double, double, toil and trouble" when stirring the soup, which quite frankly some of our dinner guests this week found quite alarming.

My part is played in the basement of the Redemption House, transformed for Halloween into the underworld. On Monday there were just some pieces of gauze hung about, but by the performance on Friday night there should be a real cauldron.

My "sisters" were very pleasant, both regular volunteers at the settlement. However, I did find it somewhat disconcerting to hear Shakespeare with an American accent, particularly phrases like "fillet of a fenny snake" (fillay instead of fillit).

Personally my voice ranged from Mary Poppins to Billy Connolly peppered with the odd (very odd) cackle.

The only downside was the lighting. After spending all that time, money and energy on our costumes, everywhere is so dark we can hardly be seen at all. Still, at least I'll know that even if my legs aren't waxed, my teeth are.

The Kindness of Strangers

A typical act of kindness in the mid west. The other day we supported the American economy as usual by taking our latest English guest to Premium Outlets shopping mall. Ross was diligently employed to trot backwards and forwards to the car with her purchases. After the second (or was it third?) trip, he returned with a story.
"I went to put the stuff back in the boot (that's trunk to you Americans) when I realised a bag was missing. I searched around but it was gone," he said.
Typically this was my one purchase, a cashmere Ralph Lauren sweater. It was a bargain. Honestly.
"I was walking back to tell you the bad news when I saw a woman standing nearby holding the bag up. When I went over to her, she said she had been waiting there for 10 minutes in the hope that someone would come."
Apparently laden down, Ross had dropped one of the bags on the ground without realising. The woman was just waiting for someone to claim it.
What I have learnt from this story.
1. Next time I'll keep hold of my shopping.
2. You can always get bargains outlet shopping.
3. I will never stop being astonished by the honesty and warmth of the mid westerners.

Weekend in New England

One advantage of living in America is that all my favourite places are more accessible. Here are a few scenes of autumn at its best, around Boston and New England.

Scenes of Salem

Here's my favourite witch, Samantha..

This one looks like less pleasant company...

Some people take dieting too far..

Look out for the giant pumpkin...

Which Witch?

I must get the award for the best volunteer in the world! In my attempt to work on my part as third witch for Halloween at the Naper Settlement, this week I visited Salem, Massachusetts. If anyone knows about witches they do. It was the scene of the 17th century witch hunts.
I went along to Salem while on a visit to Boston. Right up until the hour I decided to go to Salem the weather had been unseasonally hot and sunny. By the time I got on the train it was cold, grey and overcast with drizzle. Atmospheric to say the least.
Salem is a great place for modern day witch hunters. There are museums galore, trinket shops with every kind of spooky souvenir and of course with Halloween coming up, everything was absolutely wonderful.
However, was any of this going to help me in my quest to find my motivation as a Shakespearean witch?
I was probably a little too excited to see a statue to my very favourite witch of all time, Samantha Stevens from the TV show Bewitched. Not sure twitching my nose and making casseroles would be much help here.
In the visitors' centre I picked up what looked like a helpful leaflet. It was from the Project Witches Protection. Trouble was it was all about modern day witches, protesting that they were neither green nor warty, never wear pointy hats and use vacuum cleaners instead of broomsticks.
I finally found my inspiration in the Salem Witch Museum. Of course it was designed to show a sterotypical witch, but that was exactly what I needed.
So I will be wearing a long black and green dress, black cape, pointy hat and painting my face green. Fortunately I won't need a prosthetic nose since I have spent the past 50 years growing my own.
Just hope the Naper Settlement appreciates my efforts!

Read All About It

All I can say is, "be careful what you wish for." Today the first copy of my column was due out in the Naperville Sun (for British readers Naperville equivalent of The Times/U.S. readers Wall Street Journal/local readers, well you can't blame me for exaggerating a little. You know you can never believe anything you see in print). I rushed along to my nearest supermarket, Jewel, to snap up a few copies.
I was at the same time delighted and somewhat horrified to find they had put my photo on the top of the front page under the headline 'New Columnist On the Other Side of 50'. (Hope everyone assumes I'm around 45.)
I took the papers, along with a pint of milk, to the checkout, just to make it look like I really needed something and the papers were just an after thought.
"Hey," said the girl at the till. "That looks like you."
I felt myself blushing.
"It is you," said her colleague. "Hey, we have a celebrity. We must read this later."
I felt really awkward, despite the fact I had been plotting this very scene since the moment I landed in the U.S.
Next thing I know I'll be doing a signing session, just like Henry Winkler and Alan Alda (see earlier entries).
Trouble is, whereas they signed books for mass audiences in lofty venues, I'll be scribbling on a newspaper in Jewel......

Gangster Rap

The Hotel Decent has been open for business again this week, with Ross's cousin Ian joining us for a long weekend. One of the things Ian wanted to do was go on a very special trip - The Untouchables Tour in Chicago, which took in all the old gangster haunts.
The trip began well. We all filtered onto a converted school bus with two 'hoods' taking control. They drove us around the neighbourhoods we would never normally have seen, and to be honest would be too nervous to visit alone.
We saw the site of the St Valentine's Day Massacre and learnt loads about the old Chicago gangsters like Al Capone. What we hadn't counted on was that we would have a real gangster with us on board!
We were about 15 minutes into the tour when an old guy sitting behind Ian started heckling.
"When you gonna tell us aboud de Cotton Club?" He called out.
"The Cotton Club?" said our guide incredulously. "That was in New York, not Chicago."
"Wad aboud Danny Teriano den? He was mixed up wid Al Capone. He wuz a big guy."
"Never heard of him." replied our guide, Al Dente. Not, I suspect, his real name. He began to look a bit irritated.
I looked behind at the heckler. He was an old guy, thick set, a shock of white hair peaking out from a flat cap.He wore large sunglasses and spoke with a heavy accent. He rattled something off in Italian that I didn't understand.
The gangsters ruled Chicago in the 1920s. Was it possible that this old guy spoke on very good authority?
I began to get a bit nervous. Every so often he would dip down into a bag between his knees. I half expected him to pull out a gun.
In the end he calmed down and the only gunfire we heard was pumped out on the sound system. Just as well it's October and not St Valentine's Day!

Oktoberfest

This weekend in Naperville saw Oktoberfest, an excuse to drink beer, eat too much food and enjoy loud music. Much like any other day in town really!

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

I'm not sure if Halloween brings out the best in people here, the worst, or that they're just plain crazy. After his lack of success in Goodwill, Ross went off to an ordinary shop that sells clothes cheap, and headed straight for the clearance rail. (Nothing if not frugal, that man. Just as well with me spending so much on my witch's outfit. Pity I couldn't just conjure one up).
Anyhow, this time the search went well, and before long he was having fun trying on all sorts of things while I waited outside the fitting room.
The assistant seemed slightly surprised when a middle aged man appeared in grey striped trousers, a wing collar shirt, a red waistcoat and a teenager's frayed velvet jacket a good size too small.
"It's perfect," we declared.
I could stand her tortured expression no longer.
"It's ok, it's for Halloween," I laughed. "He's being the butler of a haunted mansion."
Her face immediately relaxed and she broke into an enthusiastic smile.
"Oh, I wish my husband would do that, he never joins in," she lamented.
"I dress up every year myself," she beamed.
I was delighted to find a fellow conspirator.
"Do you volunteer somewhere?" I asked. "Or just have a party?"
"No, I just dress up as a witch and scare the neighbourhood kids. I like to go trick or treating myself."
She told me she was 60-years-old and often won prizes for her costume.
As I looked more closely, I could see she maybe didn't have too much more to add. She had long purple nails (her own, I am told), a dark brown bob framed with white and less than fortunate features.
I'm beginning to think in Naperville at least, Halloween is a time for many people to just be themselves...

The Season of Goodwill?

It's only the beginning of October, but Halloween already has the people of Naperville under its spell. Costume shops are popping up everywhere and many houses are already decorated with ghosts, pumpkins and the odd hanging body.
We've really been looking forward to our first Halloween here, and the best way to celebrate seemed to be to get involved with the town's largest party at the Naper Settlement.
The settlement is a living museum right in the centre of town. When we found out they wanted native English volunteers we couldn't wait to step forward. Ross is to be the butler of the haunted mansion and I'm a witch in Shakespeare's Scottish play. I've been cackling away learning my lines and think it's going well, although any British readers would probably think I sound more like Janet from Dr Finlay's Casebook than an old crone.
The other evening we went along to the spooky chapel for our first meeting. Everything looks brilliantly organised, the trouble is we have to get our own costumes.
Mine turned out to be easy enough. I spent a small fortune in one of the local shops and I'm very pleased with the result. Ross's, however, was a bit more of a challenge.
The folk at the settlement suggested we go along to Goodwill to look for a black suit. Goodwill is a giant charity shop often frequented by the type of people who look as if they celebrate Halloween every day.
Ross was thumbing through a rack of jackets when an elderly woman approached us. She had an Eastern European accent and insisted on telling us her whole life story.
"I em from Transylvania," she said. "Eet iz an area of Romania. During ze vor ve vent to live on a farm. I hed to milk ze cowz but my fingers were too short und I cud not do zit."
Now, I ask you, what is the likelihood of meeting someone from Transylvania just before Halloween? I know it sounds like a joke, but it's the honest truth. She spoke for about 10 minutes before we could get away because I was anxious not to antagonize her. Goodness knows what she might have done to us.
Nearer the back of the store I spotted an old man in a witch's mask.
"That looks good," I thought. "I wonder if I should go with one of those instead of the green make-up?"
But as I looked again I realised the hooked nose and pointed chin were in fact, real.
I have learnt that everything in Naperville is bigger and better than most places. I'm already getting a little concerned as to what Halloween has in store.....